By Reshmi Chakraborty

THEY say 'A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life'. You could dismiss that as an old adage concocted by some bitter woman, but dig deep and there is a hint of truth.

Who does your mother turn to when she has to offload things off her chest? Between you and your brother, chances are it's you. Men, as women we spoke to put it, are sensitive not sensitive enough to empathise with the ups and downs of daily life. It takes a woman to do that better! Despite this, our social system doesn't entrust the responsibility of looking after aged parents to the daughter.

It's the son's duty — whether he wants it or not. Daughters are usually kept out of the picture, especially if married. Our conditioning and norms dictate that parents do not burden the daughter who is now linked to another family and therefore, to use Bellywood’s favourite term is 'paraya dhan'.

The feeling continues with single women. If she's the one who runs the house, her parents are often subjected to snide remarks from society and feel guilty about not letting her lead her life. Strangely enough, despite such hitches, attitudes are changing. ( Are girls more caring towards their parents than boys? )

While many parents are independent minded enough to not take help from anybody, they are also becoming open to the fact that their daughters are as capable, in fact often more, than the sons. In some cases, like that of Mumbai girl Prerna Desai, even if the son is willing and able, it's the daughter who has taken on the responsibility of looking after their parents.

Married daughters often have the tough job of balancing not one but two sets of parents. But for many of them, like television professional Seema Sawhney Sharma from Mumbai, being a constant support for her parents is the most natural thing to do. "I have never consciously tried to take care of them," she says. But traditional boundaries often put daughters like 42-year-old Delhi housewife Mamta Gupta* in an awkward position, making her wish that she earned just for the sake of her 72-year-old widowed mother.

Thankfully and gradually, mindsets are changing. While many parents want to stay independent in their old age, society too, is waking up to the fact that if a son can help, why can't a daughter when the need arises?

'So What If I Bought A House For My Parents? ’
My father was in a senior post and had official accommodation all his working life. When we decided to buy our own flat, it was easier for me to apply for a loan and I did. It was quite a battle to do all that with not just my parents but also my brother who had just returned from the US. I saw no reason to burden him as he had lost his job there and two people to support — his wife and a month-old son.

"I can't describe the long chats and arguments I would have with the rest of my family (read parents, brother, sister-in-law) till I convinced them that I was totally comfortable with it — financially, mentally, etc. The issue with them wasn't that the daughter was paying but more of depleting me of my savings!

Since then, my parents have done funny little things to 'make up' for my lost savings but I know they also do them out of love!"
Prerna Desai, 32, Consultant, Mumbai

“Issues Like Who Did What For Whom Will Never Come Between My Sister And Me’
All I will say is that my sister is amazing. Other sisters start fleecing their brothers the moment they shirt earning; she would buy me gifts like a nice shirt or tie with her initial salary! She's got a very successful career now but I wish she would take it a little easy. I know it is not the end of a girl's life, but I would like to see my sister settled some day.

Now that I am doing reasonably okay, I would like lo take the responsibility of paying off her loan but she won't hear of it. We have had enough fights about this and now I have decided to let it be as I know that if ever my sis is in a tough spot. I'm the first one she'll come to."
Chirag Desai, Prerna's Brother

(WITH INPUTS FROM PRIYA NAIR, PUNE AND MEENAKSHI DOCTOR, CHENNAI) “NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT IDENTITY)