By Reshmi Chakraborty

THEY say 'A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life'. You could dismiss that as an old adage concocted by some bitter woman, but dig deep and there is a hint of truth.

Who does your mother turn to when she has to offload things off her chest? Between you and your brother, chances are it's you. Men, as women we spoke to put it, are sensitive not sensitive enough to empathise with the ups and downs of daily life. It takes a woman to do that better! Despite this, our social system doesn't entrust the responsibility of looking after aged parents to the daughter.

It's the son's duty — whether he wants it or not. Daughters are usually kept out of the picture, especially if married. Our conditioning and norms dictate that parents do not burden the daughter who is now linked to another family and therefore, to use Bellywood’s favourite term is 'paraya dhan'.

The feeling continues with single women. If she's the one who runs the house, her parents are often subjected to snide remarks from society and feel guilty about not letting her lead her life. Strangely enough, despite such hitches, attitudes are changing. ( Are girls more caring towards their parents than boys? )

While many parents are independent minded enough to not take help from anybody, they are also becoming open to the fact that their daughters are as capable, in fact often more, than the sons. In some cases, like that of Mumbai girl Prerna Desai, even if the son is willing and able, it's the daughter who has taken on the responsibility of looking after their parents.

Married daughters often have the tough job of balancing not one but two sets of parents. But for many of them, like television professional Seema Sawhney Sharma from Mumbai, being a constant support for her parents is the most natural thing to do. "I have never consciously tried to take care of them," she says. But traditional boundaries often put daughters like 42-year-old Delhi housewife Mamta Gupta* in an awkward position, making her wish that she earned just for the sake of her 72-year-old widowed mother.

Thankfully and gradually, mindsets are changing. While many parents want to stay independent in their old age, society too, is waking up to the fact that if a son can help, why can't a daughter when the need arises?

“My Husband Gets Along Better With My Parents Than I do’
When journalist Meenakshi Doctor got married, her husband chose to take a transfer and come to Chennai where she is based rather than the other way round. The couple live close to her parents' although Meenakshi is open to the option of moving cities because of her husband's transferable job. "Ideally, I would like to be closer to my parents in their old age, since I know my brother cannot be," she says. Her husband is absolutely supportive. "Personally I think, given his temperament, he gets along better with them than I do!" she says.

Having a supportive husband goes a long way in maintaining a good balance between a woman's parents and her home. Support here means many things for a man — from appreciating what his wife does for her parents to being a source of strength to them as much as he is to his own parents. "I think my husband is enjoying having the reins of the house in his hand," jokes Shalini, who has been constantly away from home taking care of her father and mother.

Seema's husband Sudhir makes it a point to be there for her parents as well as his. Last year, the couple flew from Mumbai to help her visually impaired mother with an exhibition of her paintings and poems in Delhi. "My husband and his parents completely understand that I need to spend time with my parents. The worry and concern I have for my parents is probably slightly greater because I feel they need more emotional support from me," says Seema.

Sons-in-law are also willing to help financially, though not many parents are open to the idea. However, empathy and understanding from them is more than welcome. "My husband was more than a son to my mother," says Pune homemaker Anjali Narayan. She remembers how her
husband would take her late mother to doctors' appointments and tests, shopping and drives or just “sit by her bedside at night holding her hand when she felt uneasy and ill."

In Meenakshi's case, the informality of such a relationship extends to both sets of parents (her husband's and hers) and applies to both she and her husband. "They are amongst our best friends. We share gossip, dirty jokes, books, FTV updates, breakfast on Sundays and so forth...," she adds.

If some married women have it good, single girls are equally sure of their priorities when it comes to men. "If I do eventually get married, I would like to continue living close to my parents," says
Vidya Ramakrishnan.

The ever elusive Mr Right needs to have a very basic element — the maturity to recognise that a woman's parents are just as important in her life as his own might be in his.

Nutan is clear about what she wants from her man. "I would not expect him to provide financial and emotional support but he should not raise questions about my supporting them either and appreciate it." Luckily, sensitive men don't seem to be in short supply!