By Reshmi Chakraborty

THEY say 'A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life'. You could dismiss that as an old adage concocted by some bitter woman, but dig deep and there is a hint of truth.

Who does your mother turn to when she has to offload things off her chest? Between you and your brother, chances are it's you. Men, as women we spoke to put it, are sensitive not sensitive enough to empathise with the ups and downs of daily life. It takes a woman to do that better! Despite this, our social system doesn't entrust the responsibility of looking after aged parents to the daughter.

It's the son's duty — whether he wants it or not. Daughters are usually kept out of the picture, especially if married. Our conditioning and norms dictate that parents do not burden the daughter who is now linked to another family and therefore, to use Bellywood’s favourite term is 'paraya dhan'.

The feeling continues with single women. If she's the one who runs the house, her parents are often subjected to snide remarks from society and feel guilty about not letting her lead her life. Strangely enough, despite such hitches, attitudes are changing. ( Are girls more caring towards their parents than boys? )

While many parents are independent minded enough to not take help from anybody, they are also becoming open to the fact that their daughters are as capable, in fact often more, than the sons. In some cases, like that of Mumbai girl Prerna Desai, even if the son is willing and able, it's the daughter who has taken on the responsibility of looking after their parents.

Married daughters often have the tough job of balancing not one but two sets of parents. But for many of them, like television professional Seema Sawhney Sharma from Mumbai, being a constant support for her parents is the most natural thing to do. "I have never consciously tried to take care of them," she says. But traditional boundaries often put daughters like 42-year-old Delhi housewife Mamta Gupta* in an awkward position, making her wish that she earned just for the sake of her 72-year-old widowed mother.

Thankfully and gradually, mindsets are changing. While many parents want to stay independent in their old age, society too, is waking up to the fact that if a son can help, why can't a daughter when the need arises?

‘Daughters Give Emotional care, Sons Take Care Of Financial Needs’
"When I talk to old people and ask who looks after them, the answer increasingly enough is not the son but the daughter!" says Aneeta A Minocha, sociologist, Delhi School of Economics. She observes, "When parents need emotional care, it's their girls who have always provided support, while the sons have taken care of financial needs."

Abida Ahmed*, 47, graphic designer, Delhi, agrees. She has been "both a son and daughter" to her parents after her brother left for Mumbai. "He never had a really steady job. Now he is married with a child and hardly contributes as it is difficult for him to make ends meet with his small income." Abida's parents don't really need financial help as they have enough savings to see them through but her being there "brings them a sense of security".

Abida's mother thinks that her daughter has sacrificed a lot. "We have wanted her to get married but she feels there would be nobody to look after us when she went away." It has made her feel guilty but as her mother savs, "Meri beti bahut pakki ladki hai, woh soch samajh kar kaam karti hai (my daughter is a strong girl and takes well-thought-out decisions)." Abida's parents have never blamed their son and neither has she her mother. "Luck didn't favour him initially, so why should we burden him?"' she says.

Abida's not the only one taking charge of the family when the need arises. Stories like hers' and Delhi-based photographer Sarvesh's are what drainpipe-minded couples proving for a male child, should hear. When Sarvesh, 45, opted out of an abusive marriage years ago and struggled to make ends meet, her orthodox father offered no support. ( Now that women have started working and have to balance their work with family and kids, do you think they have less time for their parents? )

Today, this successful photo journalist and avid traveler takes care of her parents, especially her mother, who was mentally harassed by Sarvesh's brothers over property. "She stays with me when I'm in Delhi and I take care of all her needs, whether it is medical expenses or a pilgrimage that she wants to go on," says Sarvesh who also helps her father, despite a sense of bitterness.

Mumbai-based research analyst Nutan Shah, *28, was brought up by parents who pampered her and never made her feel any different from the brother who was born six years later. She was their emotional anchor through her brother's illness and "part of their struggle to survive not just financially but also with each other". When Nutan financed her brother's education after her father's retirement, she knew what she was in for. "I did miss out on some of the fun by trying to save. It's not that my parents didn't pitch in but I had taken up the responsibility and had to keep my promise," she says.

"Daughters who help their parents financially are usually still single. In fact, many don't get married so that they can take care of their parents," says Aneeta. She observes that while some helpless parents do not mind support from an unmarried daughter, the same doesn't apply to the married one!

‘It’s Still Not A Natural Thing For Most Parents To Turn To Their Daughters’
"My son is very close to me but it's easier for me to unburden myself to my daughter who has the ability to understand me better," says Namita Sharma, 50-something mother of two. Not surprisingly, many mothers and daughters echo her sentiments. "Women are naturally more sensitised to their parents' needs," believes Mamta, mother of two, "Maybe it's female nature or the fact that women are mothers themselves."

Whatever the cause, the truth is that daughters are emotional anchors for most parents, even with a helpful son around. "I think it stems from basic gender differences between men and women," reasons Aneeta. Anupama Shah, a clinical psychologist who's worked extensively with Dignity Foundation, an organization working with senior citizens in Mumbai, agrees, but also points out that, "It's still not a natural thing for most parents to turn to daughters for support. I think our upbringing has a lot to do with this."

Dignity gets-at-least-two cases of abuse of the elderly each day, but Anupama adds that even under dire circumstances, most parents have a mental block about taking their daughter's help. "The common refrain is, our daughter is married, don't involve her." ( Would you agree that parents are emotionally more attached to their daughters? )

Getting the daughter involved would perhaps help ease the pain. "Women are usually more demonstrative in their emotion and better care-givers in general," says PR professional Shalini Pahwa who has been caring for her ailing father. "This does not mean that sons are completely in the dock, perhaps they spend more time weighing the pros and cons of a situation in an extremely logical manner, which may not be the exact requirement at a stage when parents need emotional help," she adds.

'Resentment Between Siblings Happens When One Of Them Is Not Responsible'
Given that mindsets are slowly changing, how do parents and daughters react to involvement in each other's lives? The emotions are complex and vary from guilt despair, pride and gratitude on the parents' part to constant dilemma, happiness, guilt and adjustment’s on the daughter's.

“I’m glad my mother has her own house, even if I worry that she is alone. I would love if she could stay with me but I live with my mother-in-law and it would get uncomfortable," says Mamta. She arranges all comforts for her mother and has a supportive husband, but admits, "There's this constant complaint from my husband and daughter that I'm always worrying myself silly over my mother!"

Compromises and adjustments are required in every situation, especially one that is far from the usual. While some daughters like Nutan or Seema have sacrificed good career opportunities for the sake of their parents at some point in their lives, others like Abida have let go of love. "My fiance and I didn't see eye to eye on many issues, including my folks, and we broke up," she remarks. Seema put her career on a backburner to live in Delhi with her parents after her brother's tragic death in an accident. "I probably would have moved to Mumbai earlier, but I felt the wound was still raw. I needed my parents as much as they needed me," she
says.

Despite exciting career opportunities abroad, journalist Meenakshi came back to Chennai to
be closer to her parents, while her brother lived m Mumbai. It has never made her feel
negative. "Resentment comes when the other siblings are not responsible and heap criticism
on the one who is, or when there is 'financial constraint and one sibling has to bear the brunt,"
she thinks. ( Do you think that the notion that women are more responsible and caring towards their parents is unjust and unfair? )

'Some Parents Take Pride In Their Daughters Helping Them And Not The Son',
Changing times bring with them changing attitudes. "These break down social limits and conventions and perhaps act as revelations to people who can't think beyond a son. "My mother now appreciates me and my achievements more than her sons'," says Sarvesh.

Hackneyed social critics who talk about parents being a burden on their unmarried daughters should hear Abida or Chennai's Vidya Ramakrishnan, 36, who completely disown the theory that their being single has any thing to do with looking after their parents.

If outlooks like this could battle conventional thinking among the newer generation, they are also bringing about a change in parents. Just as many of them no longer want to be entirely dependent on their children, daughters or sons, many are increasingly open to daughters as sources of support, says Anupama. ( Do you think that the attitude of husbands towards his wife’s parents is changing for the better? )

“There is a sense of pride that it is the daughters who are helping them and not the son," she adds. For the daughters themselves, there's nothing unusual about the situation. Nutan says matter-of-factly that since she was the eldest and her brother unwell and younger, it was illogical that she supported her parents. "There was never a special effort on my part!" she laughs.

“My Husband Gets Along Better With My Parents Than I do’
When journalist Meenakshi Doctor got married, her husband chose to take a transfer and come to Chennai where she is based rather than the other way round. The couple live close to her parents' although Meenakshi is open to the option of moving cities because of her husband's transferable job. "Ideally, I would like to be closer to my parents in their old age, since I know my brother cannot be," she says. Her husband is absolutely supportive. "Personally I think, given his temperament, he gets along better with them than I do!" she says.

Having a supportive husband goes a long way in maintaining a good balance between a woman's parents and her home. Support here means many things for a man — from appreciating what his wife does for her parents to being a source of strength to them as much as he is to his own parents. "I think my husband is enjoying having the reins of the house in his hand," jokes Shalini, who has been constantly away from home taking care of her father and mother.

Seema's husband Sudhir makes it a point to be there for her parents as well as his. Last year, the couple flew from Mumbai to help her visually impaired mother with an exhibition of her paintings and poems in Delhi. "My husband and his parents completely understand that I need to spend time with my parents. The worry and concern I have for my parents is probably slightly greater because I feel they need more emotional support from me," says Seema.

Sons-in-law are also willing to help financially, though not many parents are open to the idea. However, empathy and understanding from them is more than welcome. "My husband was more than a son to my mother," says Pune homemaker Anjali Narayan. She remembers how her
husband would take her late mother to doctors' appointments and tests, shopping and drives or just “sit by her bedside at night holding her hand when she felt uneasy and ill."

In Meenakshi's case, the informality of such a relationship extends to both sets of parents (her husband's and hers) and applies to both she and her husband. "They are amongst our best friends. We share gossip, dirty jokes, books, FTV updates, breakfast on Sundays and so forth...," she adds.

If some married women have it good, single girls are equally sure of their priorities when it comes to men. "If I do eventually get married, I would like to continue living close to my parents," says
Vidya Ramakrishnan.

The ever elusive Mr Right needs to have a very basic element — the maturity to recognise that a woman's parents are just as important in her life as his own might be in his.

Nutan is clear about what she wants from her man. "I would not expect him to provide financial and emotional support but he should not raise questions about my supporting them either and appreciate it." Luckily, sensitive men don't seem to be in short supply!

‘My Husband Moved In With My Mother And Me In Spite Of Stiff Opposition From His Family’
“My father died before my first birthday. I have an older brother and sister and as a child, I always imagined they were closer to my mother than I was. My sister got married when I was 12, and my brother followed soon. That's when Mom and I were thrown together. However, my sister-in-law and mom just couldn't get along and the situation worsened to such an extent that my brother had to make a choice. I was only 16!

"Reality hit me when my mother, who had a heart condition, developed complications and had to be hospitalised. I was the only one around her and had to take charge. Later, my mother found herself in plenty of legal tangles caused mainly by my brother. She was a very trusting and gullible person and I had to fight for her in the best way I could.

"My mother was proud of me but also constantly worried about me — about the fact that I would be alone if she died. However, we shared a wonderful life together. I neither resented the fact that I was ‘looking after' my mother, nor did I think that it was my duty or my brother's. I loved her and that was it. I would hurt with her when my brother and sister repeatedly broke her heart or weren't there when she needed them. She was ill far 20 years, but she always had a smile on her face. I think my being there gave her the will to live.

"My husband did far me what very few men would do. He moved in with my mother and I in spite of stiff opposition from his family. He already knew how deep my relationship with my mother was when we were dating and would always be there far me when she was in hospital or I needed money far her treatment. When he asked me to marry him, I refused because I never imagined that any man would be willing to do what I needed. But we talked far days and he understood where I was coming from.

We wanted to move to a rented apartment and take Mom with us but due to financial constraints stayed with her, as there was a perfectly good home available. "If people sniggered and hitched, it was behind our backs. My mother's friends would tell her how lucky she was to have a son-in-law like my husband..."
Anjali Narayan, Homemaker, 31, Pune

'So What If I Bought A House For My Parents? ’
My father was in a senior post and had official accommodation all his working life. When we decided to buy our own flat, it was easier for me to apply for a loan and I did. It was quite a battle to do all that with not just my parents but also my brother who had just returned from the US. I saw no reason to burden him as he had lost his job there and two people to support — his wife and a month-old son.

"I can't describe the long chats and arguments I would have with the rest of my family (read parents, brother, sister-in-law) till I convinced them that I was totally comfortable with it — financially, mentally, etc. The issue with them wasn't that the daughter was paying but more of depleting me of my savings!

Since then, my parents have done funny little things to 'make up' for my lost savings but I know they also do them out of love!"
Prerna Desai, 32, Consultant, Mumbai

“Issues Like Who Did What For Whom Will Never Come Between My Sister And Me’
All I will say is that my sister is amazing. Other sisters start fleecing their brothers the moment they shirt earning; she would buy me gifts like a nice shirt or tie with her initial salary! She's got a very successful career now but I wish she would take it a little easy. I know it is not the end of a girl's life, but I would like to see my sister settled some day.

Now that I am doing reasonably okay, I would like lo take the responsibility of paying off her loan but she won't hear of it. We have had enough fights about this and now I have decided to let it be as I know that if ever my sis is in a tough spot. I'm the first one she'll come to."
Chirag Desai, Prerna's Brother

(WITH INPUTS FROM PRIYA NAIR, PUNE AND MEENAKSHI DOCTOR, CHENNAI) “NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT IDENTITY)