By Reshmi Chakraborty

THEY say 'A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life'. You could dismiss that as an old adage concocted by some bitter woman, but dig deep and there is a hint of truth.

Who does your mother turn to when she has to offload things off her chest? Between you and your brother, chances are it's you. Men, as women we spoke to put it, are sensitive not sensitive enough to empathise with the ups and downs of daily life. It takes a woman to do that better! Despite this, our social system doesn't entrust the responsibility of looking after aged parents to the daughter.

It's the son's duty — whether he wants it or not. Daughters are usually kept out of the picture, especially if married. Our conditioning and norms dictate that parents do not burden the daughter who is now linked to another family and therefore, to use Bellywood’s favourite term is 'paraya dhan'.

The feeling continues with single women. If she's the one who runs the house, her parents are often subjected to snide remarks from society and feel guilty about not letting her lead her life. Strangely enough, despite such hitches, attitudes are changing. ( Are girls more caring towards their parents than boys? )

While many parents are independent minded enough to not take help from anybody, they are also becoming open to the fact that their daughters are as capable, in fact often more, than the sons. In some cases, like that of Mumbai girl Prerna Desai, even if the son is willing and able, it's the daughter who has taken on the responsibility of looking after their parents.

Married daughters often have the tough job of balancing not one but two sets of parents. But for many of them, like television professional Seema Sawhney Sharma from Mumbai, being a constant support for her parents is the most natural thing to do. "I have never consciously tried to take care of them," she says. But traditional boundaries often put daughters like 42-year-old Delhi housewife Mamta Gupta* in an awkward position, making her wish that she earned just for the sake of her 72-year-old widowed mother.

Thankfully and gradually, mindsets are changing. While many parents want to stay independent in their old age, society too, is waking up to the fact that if a son can help, why can't a daughter when the need arises?

'Resentment Between Siblings Happens When One Of Them Is Not Responsible'
Given that mindsets are slowly changing, how do parents and daughters react to involvement in each other's lives? The emotions are complex and vary from guilt despair, pride and gratitude on the parents' part to constant dilemma, happiness, guilt and adjustment’s on the daughter's.

“I’m glad my mother has her own house, even if I worry that she is alone. I would love if she could stay with me but I live with my mother-in-law and it would get uncomfortable," says Mamta. She arranges all comforts for her mother and has a supportive husband, but admits, "There's this constant complaint from my husband and daughter that I'm always worrying myself silly over my mother!"

Compromises and adjustments are required in every situation, especially one that is far from the usual. While some daughters like Nutan or Seema have sacrificed good career opportunities for the sake of their parents at some point in their lives, others like Abida have let go of love. "My fiance and I didn't see eye to eye on many issues, including my folks, and we broke up," she remarks. Seema put her career on a backburner to live in Delhi with her parents after her brother's tragic death in an accident. "I probably would have moved to Mumbai earlier, but I felt the wound was still raw. I needed my parents as much as they needed me," she
says.

Despite exciting career opportunities abroad, journalist Meenakshi came back to Chennai to
be closer to her parents, while her brother lived m Mumbai. It has never made her feel
negative. "Resentment comes when the other siblings are not responsible and heap criticism
on the one who is, or when there is 'financial constraint and one sibling has to bear the brunt,"
she thinks. ( Do you think that the notion that women are more responsible and caring towards their parents is unjust and unfair? )