By Reshmi Chakraborty

THEY say 'A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life'. You could dismiss that as an old adage concocted by some bitter woman, but dig deep and there is a hint of truth.

Who does your mother turn to when she has to offload things off her chest? Between you and your brother, chances are it's you. Men, as women we spoke to put it, are sensitive not sensitive enough to empathise with the ups and downs of daily life. It takes a woman to do that better! Despite this, our social system doesn't entrust the responsibility of looking after aged parents to the daughter.

It's the son's duty — whether he wants it or not. Daughters are usually kept out of the picture, especially if married. Our conditioning and norms dictate that parents do not burden the daughter who is now linked to another family and therefore, to use Bellywood’s favourite term is 'paraya dhan'.

The feeling continues with single women. If she's the one who runs the house, her parents are often subjected to snide remarks from society and feel guilty about not letting her lead her life. Strangely enough, despite such hitches, attitudes are changing. ( Are girls more caring towards their parents than boys? )

While many parents are independent minded enough to not take help from anybody, they are also becoming open to the fact that their daughters are as capable, in fact often more, than the sons. In some cases, like that of Mumbai girl Prerna Desai, even if the son is willing and able, it's the daughter who has taken on the responsibility of looking after their parents.

Married daughters often have the tough job of balancing not one but two sets of parents. But for many of them, like television professional Seema Sawhney Sharma from Mumbai, being a constant support for her parents is the most natural thing to do. "I have never consciously tried to take care of them," she says. But traditional boundaries often put daughters like 42-year-old Delhi housewife Mamta Gupta* in an awkward position, making her wish that she earned just for the sake of her 72-year-old widowed mother.

Thankfully and gradually, mindsets are changing. While many parents want to stay independent in their old age, society too, is waking up to the fact that if a son can help, why can't a daughter when the need arises?

‘Daughters Give Emotional care, Sons Take Care Of Financial Needs’
"When I talk to old people and ask who looks after them, the answer increasingly enough is not the son but the daughter!" says Aneeta A Minocha, sociologist, Delhi School of Economics. She observes, "When parents need emotional care, it's their girls who have always provided support, while the sons have taken care of financial needs."

Abida Ahmed*, 47, graphic designer, Delhi, agrees. She has been "both a son and daughter" to her parents after her brother left for Mumbai. "He never had a really steady job. Now he is married with a child and hardly contributes as it is difficult for him to make ends meet with his small income." Abida's parents don't really need financial help as they have enough savings to see them through but her being there "brings them a sense of security".

Abida's mother thinks that her daughter has sacrificed a lot. "We have wanted her to get married but she feels there would be nobody to look after us when she went away." It has made her feel guilty but as her mother savs, "Meri beti bahut pakki ladki hai, woh soch samajh kar kaam karti hai (my daughter is a strong girl and takes well-thought-out decisions)." Abida's parents have never blamed their son and neither has she her mother. "Luck didn't favour him initially, so why should we burden him?"' she says.

Abida's not the only one taking charge of the family when the need arises. Stories like hers' and Delhi-based photographer Sarvesh's are what drainpipe-minded couples proving for a male child, should hear. When Sarvesh, 45, opted out of an abusive marriage years ago and struggled to make ends meet, her orthodox father offered no support. ( Now that women have started working and have to balance their work with family and kids, do you think they have less time for their parents? )

Today, this successful photo journalist and avid traveler takes care of her parents, especially her mother, who was mentally harassed by Sarvesh's brothers over property. "She stays with me when I'm in Delhi and I take care of all her needs, whether it is medical expenses or a pilgrimage that she wants to go on," says Sarvesh who also helps her father, despite a sense of bitterness.

Mumbai-based research analyst Nutan Shah, *28, was brought up by parents who pampered her and never made her feel any different from the brother who was born six years later. She was their emotional anchor through her brother's illness and "part of their struggle to survive not just financially but also with each other". When Nutan financed her brother's education after her father's retirement, she knew what she was in for. "I did miss out on some of the fun by trying to save. It's not that my parents didn't pitch in but I had taken up the responsibility and had to keep my promise," she says.

"Daughters who help their parents financially are usually still single. In fact, many don't get married so that they can take care of their parents," says Aneeta. She observes that while some helpless parents do not mind support from an unmarried daughter, the same doesn't apply to the married one!