By Reshmi Chakraborty

THEY say 'A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life'. You could dismiss that as an old adage concocted by some bitter woman, but dig deep and there is a hint of truth.

Who does your mother turn to when she has to offload things off her chest? Between you and your brother, chances are it's you. Men, as women we spoke to put it, are sensitive not sensitive enough to empathise with the ups and downs of daily life. It takes a woman to do that better! Despite this, our social system doesn't entrust the responsibility of looking after aged parents to the daughter.

It's the son's duty — whether he wants it or not. Daughters are usually kept out of the picture, especially if married. Our conditioning and norms dictate that parents do not burden the daughter who is now linked to another family and therefore, to use Bellywood’s favourite term is 'paraya dhan'.

The feeling continues with single women. If she's the one who runs the house, her parents are often subjected to snide remarks from society and feel guilty about not letting her lead her life. Strangely enough, despite such hitches, attitudes are changing. ( Are girls more caring towards their parents than boys? )

While many parents are independent minded enough to not take help from anybody, they are also becoming open to the fact that their daughters are as capable, in fact often more, than the sons. In some cases, like that of Mumbai girl Prerna Desai, even if the son is willing and able, it's the daughter who has taken on the responsibility of looking after their parents.

Married daughters often have the tough job of balancing not one but two sets of parents. But for many of them, like television professional Seema Sawhney Sharma from Mumbai, being a constant support for her parents is the most natural thing to do. "I have never consciously tried to take care of them," she says. But traditional boundaries often put daughters like 42-year-old Delhi housewife Mamta Gupta* in an awkward position, making her wish that she earned just for the sake of her 72-year-old widowed mother.

Thankfully and gradually, mindsets are changing. While many parents want to stay independent in their old age, society too, is waking up to the fact that if a son can help, why can't a daughter when the need arises?

‘My Husband Moved In With My Mother And Me In Spite Of Stiff Opposition From His Family’
“My father died before my first birthday. I have an older brother and sister and as a child, I always imagined they were closer to my mother than I was. My sister got married when I was 12, and my brother followed soon. That's when Mom and I were thrown together. However, my sister-in-law and mom just couldn't get along and the situation worsened to such an extent that my brother had to make a choice. I was only 16!

"Reality hit me when my mother, who had a heart condition, developed complications and had to be hospitalised. I was the only one around her and had to take charge. Later, my mother found herself in plenty of legal tangles caused mainly by my brother. She was a very trusting and gullible person and I had to fight for her in the best way I could.

"My mother was proud of me but also constantly worried about me — about the fact that I would be alone if she died. However, we shared a wonderful life together. I neither resented the fact that I was ‘looking after' my mother, nor did I think that it was my duty or my brother's. I loved her and that was it. I would hurt with her when my brother and sister repeatedly broke her heart or weren't there when she needed them. She was ill far 20 years, but she always had a smile on her face. I think my being there gave her the will to live.

"My husband did far me what very few men would do. He moved in with my mother and I in spite of stiff opposition from his family. He already knew how deep my relationship with my mother was when we were dating and would always be there far me when she was in hospital or I needed money far her treatment. When he asked me to marry him, I refused because I never imagined that any man would be willing to do what I needed. But we talked far days and he understood where I was coming from.

We wanted to move to a rented apartment and take Mom with us but due to financial constraints stayed with her, as there was a perfectly good home available. "If people sniggered and hitched, it was behind our backs. My mother's friends would tell her how lucky she was to have a son-in-law like my husband..."
Anjali Narayan, Homemaker, 31, Pune