By Reshmi Chakraborty

THEY say 'A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life'. You could dismiss that as an old adage concocted by some bitter woman, but dig deep and there is a hint of truth.

Who does your mother turn to when she has to offload things off her chest? Between you and your brother, chances are it's you. Men, as women we spoke to put it, are sensitive not sensitive enough to empathise with the ups and downs of daily life. It takes a woman to do that better! Despite this, our social system doesn't entrust the responsibility of looking after aged parents to the daughter.

It's the son's duty — whether he wants it or not. Daughters are usually kept out of the picture, especially if married. Our conditioning and norms dictate that parents do not burden the daughter who is now linked to another family and therefore, to use Bellywood’s favourite term is 'paraya dhan'.

The feeling continues with single women. If she's the one who runs the house, her parents are often subjected to snide remarks from society and feel guilty about not letting her lead her life. Strangely enough, despite such hitches, attitudes are changing. ( Are girls more caring towards their parents than boys? )

While many parents are independent minded enough to not take help from anybody, they are also becoming open to the fact that their daughters are as capable, in fact often more, than the sons. In some cases, like that of Mumbai girl Prerna Desai, even if the son is willing and able, it's the daughter who has taken on the responsibility of looking after their parents.

Married daughters often have the tough job of balancing not one but two sets of parents. But for many of them, like television professional Seema Sawhney Sharma from Mumbai, being a constant support for her parents is the most natural thing to do. "I have never consciously tried to take care of them," she says. But traditional boundaries often put daughters like 42-year-old Delhi housewife Mamta Gupta* in an awkward position, making her wish that she earned just for the sake of her 72-year-old widowed mother.

Thankfully and gradually, mindsets are changing. While many parents want to stay independent in their old age, society too, is waking up to the fact that if a son can help, why can't a daughter when the need arises?

‘It’s Still Not A Natural Thing For Most Parents To Turn To Their Daughters’
"My son is very close to me but it's easier for me to unburden myself to my daughter who has the ability to understand me better," says Namita Sharma, 50-something mother of two. Not surprisingly, many mothers and daughters echo her sentiments. "Women are naturally more sensitised to their parents' needs," believes Mamta, mother of two, "Maybe it's female nature or the fact that women are mothers themselves."

Whatever the cause, the truth is that daughters are emotional anchors for most parents, even with a helpful son around. "I think it stems from basic gender differences between men and women," reasons Aneeta. Anupama Shah, a clinical psychologist who's worked extensively with Dignity Foundation, an organization working with senior citizens in Mumbai, agrees, but also points out that, "It's still not a natural thing for most parents to turn to daughters for support. I think our upbringing has a lot to do with this."

Dignity gets-at-least-two cases of abuse of the elderly each day, but Anupama adds that even under dire circumstances, most parents have a mental block about taking their daughter's help. "The common refrain is, our daughter is married, don't involve her." ( Would you agree that parents are emotionally more attached to their daughters? )

Getting the daughter involved would perhaps help ease the pain. "Women are usually more demonstrative in their emotion and better care-givers in general," says PR professional Shalini Pahwa who has been caring for her ailing father. "This does not mean that sons are completely in the dock, perhaps they spend more time weighing the pros and cons of a situation in an extremely logical manner, which may not be the exact requirement at a stage when parents need emotional help," she adds.