By Reshmi Chakraborty

THEY say 'A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life'. You could dismiss that as an old adage concocted by some bitter woman, but dig deep and there is a hint of truth.

Who does your mother turn to when she has to offload things off her chest? Between you and your brother, chances are it's you. Men, as women we spoke to put it, are sensitive not sensitive enough to empathise with the ups and downs of daily life. It takes a woman to do that better! Despite this, our social system doesn't entrust the responsibility of looking after aged parents to the daughter.

It's the son's duty — whether he wants it or not. Daughters are usually kept out of the picture, especially if married. Our conditioning and norms dictate that parents do not burden the daughter who is now linked to another family and therefore, to use Bellywood’s favourite term is 'paraya dhan'.

The feeling continues with single women. If she's the one who runs the house, her parents are often subjected to snide remarks from society and feel guilty about not letting her lead her life. Strangely enough, despite such hitches, attitudes are changing. ( Are girls more caring towards their parents than boys? )

While many parents are independent minded enough to not take help from anybody, they are also becoming open to the fact that their daughters are as capable, in fact often more, than the sons. In some cases, like that of Mumbai girl Prerna Desai, even if the son is willing and able, it's the daughter who has taken on the responsibility of looking after their parents.

Married daughters often have the tough job of balancing not one but two sets of parents. But for many of them, like television professional Seema Sawhney Sharma from Mumbai, being a constant support for her parents is the most natural thing to do. "I have never consciously tried to take care of them," she says. But traditional boundaries often put daughters like 42-year-old Delhi housewife Mamta Gupta* in an awkward position, making her wish that she earned just for the sake of her 72-year-old widowed mother.

Thankfully and gradually, mindsets are changing. While many parents want to stay independent in their old age, society too, is waking up to the fact that if a son can help, why can't a daughter when the need arises?

'Some Parents Take Pride In Their Daughters Helping Them And Not The Son',
Changing times bring with them changing attitudes. "These break down social limits and conventions and perhaps act as revelations to people who can't think beyond a son. "My mother now appreciates me and my achievements more than her sons'," says Sarvesh.

Hackneyed social critics who talk about parents being a burden on their unmarried daughters should hear Abida or Chennai's Vidya Ramakrishnan, 36, who completely disown the theory that their being single has any thing to do with looking after their parents.

If outlooks like this could battle conventional thinking among the newer generation, they are also bringing about a change in parents. Just as many of them no longer want to be entirely dependent on their children, daughters or sons, many are increasingly open to daughters as sources of support, says Anupama. ( Do you think that the attitude of husbands towards his wife’s parents is changing for the better? )

“There is a sense of pride that it is the daughters who are helping them and not the son," she adds. For the daughters themselves, there's nothing unusual about the situation. Nutan says matter-of-factly that since she was the eldest and her brother unwell and younger, it was illogical that she supported her parents. "There was never a special effort on my part!" she laughs.