Siblings In Arms - Femina

Consider this modern urban scenario: Highly successful businessman. Loves his wife and kids. However, his older, though less successful brother is suing him on a family property dispute. His older sister cannot stand his wife. His younger twin brothers are deeply conflicted as to how to relate to him owing to their older siblings' influence. And finally, their filial bonds end up being severed through judicial intervention.

Or this: Three sisters. Married and settled in different cities. Whenever they do meet, they seem, in everybody's eyes other than their own, to fight and behave like children.

What is it about sibling relationships that raises such hackles and results in such modern angst? One would imagine that a shared childhood, especially a happy one, should result in unbreakable filial bonds that are designed to last contented lifetimes. Usually when they don't, one is inclined to blame the upbringing. Not necessarily true, though. I've seen many siblings who had your usual 'normal' childhoods baying for each other's blood when they've grown up. Or the blame rests unfairly on the perceived machinations of the spouses of the siblings. Actually, the reasons for sibling discomfort during adulthood are, as such things usually are, much deeper-rooted.

What's The Take On These?

"We Love Each Other Dearly But Can't Stand Each Other" - Often, adults who were very close to their siblings as children are deeply conflicted about the fact that they can't really stand them. This usually happens when kids are exposed to different environments or just grow apart in the natural course of their development. Their values change, their paradigms shift, they think differently and find that points of contact don't really exist.

As we grow, there is a possibility that we might drift, unless we grow together. Merely because we shared a common childhood does not mean that a mutually comfortable adulthood will automatically follow.

''I'm The Older One, So Respect Me'' -

In sibling relationships, particularly in our country, we find the need to maintain a rigid hierarchy, with the older ones playing the role of the 'head of the family' and the younger ones being forced to defer. This causes a lot of deep-seated resentment, particularly if younger siblings are more successful. We need to remember that as we grow older, each of us has the capacity to make choices and blind adherence to rigid hierarchies not only does not help, it actually hinders filial bonding.

''The Family Should Always Come First'' -

This is fine, depending of course, on what precisely you mean by 'family'. If you think your eldest brother's words are more binding on you than your spouse's, you're in for trouble. It's perfectly natural to expect your spouse to consider the two of you and your kids as your primary family and everybody else as secondary. After all, we live in a nuclear age, especially when it comes to family structures, and the sooner we accept this, the better. This does not mean that we should ignore the families of our origin. If we see ourselves as an interconnected group of nuclear families, we can establish continuity between the past and present by maintaining appropriate boundaries in our relationships with our siblings.

No Times Like The Old Times?

Often, when we meet our siblings as adults, the only way we know to communicate with them is the way we did when we were kids. More often than not, the conversation veers round to childhood days, thereby excluding the in-laws completely. And needless to say, this marginalisation is not going to be tolerated for very long. Sure, the old times were good, but the new times can be even better if we bring adult communication patterns into our relationships.

Working With Family Baggage

As children, we are never taught to resolve conflicts, and ages of unresolved emotions, rivalry, hurt, anger and resentment tend to pile up and spill over into our adult relationships. Often, the incidents themselves may be forgotten; only the negative emotions remain. As a rule of thumb, the best way to deal with baggage is to prevent its accumulation. If this can't be done, let's at least try and prevent fresh baggage from being amassed.

Handling Family Politics

There's an old family therapy aphorism: The larger the family, the more intense the politics. In the old days of unchecked fertility, large families were the rule and inevitably, the politics within them was powerful too. Telephone calls and letters flying back and forth, one sibling cribbing to another about yet another, someone intervening unnecessarily, thereby compounding the problem, years of not talking to each other, unlikely coalitions being forged to combat other unlikely coalitions and so forth. All in all, more than enough to keep even the next generation occupied. Fortunately, this sort of thing doesn't happen too often nowadays, since the Great Indian Fertility is finally being restrained.

So, if what I've said gives you the impression that siblings cannot stay together in companionable harmony, perish the thought! I've known many brothers and sisters who have always been, still are and will always be, close and free of conflict. If you look at successful sibling relationships, you'll realise they subscribe, whether consciously or unknowingly, to the key rules (see below).

If you follow these simple rules, your relationship with your siblings can be healthy and companionable. I agree you can choose your friends but are stuck with your siblings; but it need not be an unpleasant 'stuck'. They can be blessings and your friends,if you choose to make them that.

Rules For Siblings

▪ Siblings who grow together, stay together.

▪ Siblings who live in the past, stay stuck in past patterns. Good futures are more important than great pasts.

▪ Sibling relationships need to be worked on; they are not 'givens'.

▪ Siblings should have open, conflict-resolving patterns of communication.

▪ Siblings should be clear that their nuclear families come first.

▪ Siblings who become friends are generally more strongly bonded.