The
Dilemma
I've
just had my first baby, and I'm tired and cranky all the time. To top it all,
I've discovered that instead of working on the comp into the night as he alleges
he has been doing, my husband has been surfing porn! Of course, my libido's at
its lowest, so there's no question of his getting what he's used to, but
shouldn't he be more considerate? Help!
Maya
Morarjee, Ahmedabad
Look
After Yourself
After
a first baby, every woman on Earth feels exactly the way you do. So start
feeling good about yourself, try being positive and don't worry about your hubby
watching porn on the Net! Men are a different species altogether, so relax! -
Sanjana, Ambala
I've
Been There Too!
Sure,
just now life seems hectic, tiring, maddening, painful... I know, I went through
all that a year ago. Are you sure your husband is actually watching porn?
Anyway, involve him in taking care of the baby. Tell him you don't feel well and
you need his help. Take him along for post-natal check-ups. Look after yourself.
Make him realise that any frustration that you feel will trickle down to your
child... If he still doesn't understand, I think he never will. - Surpreet D,
Hyderabad
He
Needs Understanding
This
baby is an outcome of a relationship based on love and understanding. And you
know, in a relationship, understanding comes before love. So have you considered
his situation too? Sex is an important part of life for everybody, and he might
be feeling frustrated. Also, often, a man surfs porn, but in the end, he comes
back to his wife - not that silly computer. If you can't get involved in his
interests, simply give him some breathing space; I promise you he won't need to
conceal things from you.
-
Gargi Pramod Singh, Baroda
It's
Just For Now!
The
fact that he surfs porn may have hit you hard and made you feel terrible, but
recognise it as just a sign of deprivation. Once life comes back to normal,
everything will fall into place again. So don't ruin your happiness and your
relationship over these issues.- Trishaala, Bangalore
It's
A Guy Thing
Motherhood
is as joyous as it is stressful... You have to try and strike a balance between
baby and work, so that you get your rest. Set a routine for the baby and
housework (I assume you are not working just now) and then give yourself 20
minutes to do what you want to.
About
your husband watching porn... well! Eleven years plus and a healthy sex life,
yet mine does too! Don't worry, it's a guy thing and fairly harmless - they have
to unwind some way or the other.
As
for being considerate, let me tell you it's a rare guy who actually understands
women and babies. Sit and talk to him, tell him what you're going through, tell
him that you need his help and all the love he has to help you cope... Then
SPELL OUT exactly how and where he can help you.. because that is the language
men understand - everything spelt out in black or white. Most men do not
understand the grays...Go for it; I wish you all the best...- Patty, Wellington
PS:
Guys! No offence intended... just my observation of the three men in my life
aged 36, eight and four!
Expert
Advice
It
isn't unusual to be tired for a couple of months after delivery due to hormonal
changes... but let me caution you against 'attitudinal' crankiness. Is the baby
to be the sole attention-getter from now on? Are all your waking hours to be
devoted exclusively to her? Most women forget themselves and very often, their
spouses as well, in their utter obsession with the newborn. Exhaustion then, is
the price you pay! You also seem very 'restricted' in your sexual repertoire.
Come on, he's been denied for close to two months now. 'Your' libido is at its
lowest, not his. You could be 'considerate' and learn the art of pleasuring him
without necessarily getting pleasured yourself. Inter-course is only one way of
sexual satisfaction. There are a hundred other ways, and the computer, I assure
you, will not be the preferred partner if there's an 'active' one
available!
--Varkha
Chulani, Clinical Psychologist, Lilavati Hospital, Mumbai
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Femina Archives
2006
