How much PDA is okay? And how much is just plain nauseating? Ruchira Bose asks around

I was chatting happily with my friend, when they blew into my dinner party like a tornado, Meena and Vicky, attached at the hips, arms intertwined, giggling, whispering, kissing, kissing and kissing, ONLY! The fun meter dropped to the floor. Every woman instantly felt undesirable; every man, inadequate. All this kissyface was cute when they first started going out, but ever since the scene they made at my last party, I'd put them on secret probation. Now I was ready to knock them off my guest list for good. Why is it that the worst perpetrators of public displays of affection (PDA) seem oblivious to their offence?

After a few glasses of wine, I'd had all I could take and said, "There's actually a roomful of people here. Why don't you guys go home to privacy?" Meena feigned shock: "Were we misbehaving? (giggle) Sometimes I think you old maids are just jealous."

"Believe me, you're taking it too far," I wanted to snap, but Meena's comment gave me pause. I had to admit that their recent PDA had made me question my own love life. Maybe all this smoky affection was making me feel unloved or worse, unloving. Then Shivani, another guest and a member of the eye-rolling council against Meena, said, "But c'mon, there have to be some limits." So what are they?

Too Much Public Touching
I brought the subject up at the dinner table. (People always come to my parties expecting me to bring up some embarrassing topic.) "When does touching become too much, publicly speaking?" Everyone agreed that assuming you are over 21 and have stopped attending "let's make out in the dark" parties, there are some unspoken dos and don'ts.

• Do express yourself freely and lovingly, but not if you make others uncomfortable.

•Don't worry about it if just one person complains, but do pay attention if three or more crack down on you.

Take my friend Sharmishta and her husband, Ritesh, who openly snuggle. I've caught them smooching in the backseat on picnics and goose one another on the way to the bathroom. And yet, they are a joy to have around. Their happiness and sexual energy are even a bit contagious. Another couple, Mitsy and Dhruv, tell me "We've noticed that we often have sex when we get home from such double dates. The opposite is true of nights spent with a couple we know who are complete exhibitionists! If it's them, we come home irritable."


Steamy Outside, Chilled Inside?
Does too much PDA signal a bad relationship? The morning after my party, I was still thinking about Meena and Vicky, worried that my girlfriends and I were just jealous. God, I thought, had we turned into those kinds of women? Impossible - we are a bunch of hopeless romantics.

What was it then? It suddenly came to me. Sharms and Rits are just as rambunctious as Meena and Vicky, but there's a difference: They're not performing for an audience. Their affection seems spontaneous and authentic, while Meena and Vicky's floor show seemed calculated and phony. No wonder it made everyone uncomfortable. But why would a couple put on such a graphic show for friends?

I got my answer two weeks later when Meena told me that she and Vicky had broken up. She admitted that when they were alone, they were unable to muster up any affection at all. "I think we were trying to reassure ourselves by showing off to everyone else," she confessed. Meena's honesty surprised, and freed, me.


Quiet Fires Can Smoulder In Private
Last summer, we stayed at a time-share place with a few other couples. Gayatri and Sid, I noticed, kept a physical distance, but they seemed close emotionally. One day, I came back from the beach earlier than the rest. I heard laughter and a whispering from the bathroom that was so intimate, I stopped in my tracks.

A few minutes later, Gayatri emerged - hair wet, bathrobe askew, all blushy - followed by Sid, who gave a quick tug on her belt, then vanished upstairs. Gayatri made 30 seconds of polite convo with me, then followed him up, two steps at a time," narrates Vrinda. Now there was intimacy to envy! Sexual energy is most delicious when it's kept quiet and savoured between two people, like a magic word or a secret. Here are ways to snuggle without bringing the wrath of friends on yourself:

Instead of trying to keep up with the couple across the room, look for ways to enhance moments when you two are by yourselves.
• Hold hands.
• Flash a wink across the room or a long table.
• Choose a spot next to him on a couch instead of sitting politely in a chair across the room.
• Sneak a mini make-out session in an elevator.
• In public, instead of steamy smoochies, share a short sweet and teasing kiss (the French kiss isn't the only type)
• Steal a rendezvous on the fire escape or the back of a train - Hindi film ishtyle!

Cold Fact?
An informal survey has confirmed that there's little or no correlation between excessive PDA and a sweaty sex life. In fact, the opposite appears to be true: Too much PDA is often a sign that something crucial is missing from the relationship. Public love can be a smoke-and-mirrors special effect, designed to keep the attention off a real problem, a sexual or emotional incompatibility.