Re-entering the dating scene after a sabbatical? Fear not, we'll guide you through

You're single again. Suddenly. Overnight. Be it the end of a marriage or a relationship, the fact is, you wake up one morning and you're on your own once more.
Are you scared? Yes. Lonely? Of course! But slowly, after going through various stages of hurt, denial, anger at the unfairness of it all, you're ready to get back into the dating game. That's when you face your first problem. You've forgotten how it's done. The dating, that is. That's our cue. Read and recollect...

• Close the door, quietly but firmly, on your last relationship. If there's no going back, then there's no sense holding a torch for him. And that means no 'I miss you', 'I still love you' e-mails or messages. You cannot (no matter how much you believe otherwise) meet a new guy and expect to hit it off romantically with him, with your ex in your head, or in your mailbox, for that matter. Make a clean break.

If the unfortunate situation arises where he must be in your face all the time, do not let yourself melt away into the past each time you talk. Yes, we realise how hard it is, but you've decided to move on. So move on, forwards, not backwards.

• You're ready only when you say you're ready. Tell your friends, your family, your colleagues, whoever is trying to fix you up with 'that nice man', that you will not see anyone till you feel you/'re up to it. And you will be. Sooner than you think. It's a whole new, exciting world of possibilities out there. You'll want to get out again. Take our word for it.

• Start going out gradually. Resist the urge to go on a drinking spree every night with your pals. Not only will the world seem unbearable once the hangover hits, you'll go to work bleary-eyed, feel ill and sleepy all the time - the point of this exercise is to feel good about yourself, remember?

• Keep an eye out for potential interests but don't count on it. And don't jump on the first guy who catches your eye. You're still scoping out the scene. Don't rush anything.

• Step out. Pull yourself together. Develop that hobby you've always been interested in - pottery, drawing, dance, whatever. It'll channelise your energies and it's a great way to meet new people.

• When you do find someone interesting, play it cool. Go out with the intention of having a nice time. Don't expect lightning to strike you, don't expect him to be The One; don't expect anything at all. He may or may not be nice enough for a second date. Be comfortable in your skin and have fun.

• Don't talk about your ex. Please do not unburden your woes on him. One of two very dangerous things might happen here.
a) He may be extremely put off by your obvious involvement with your ex and look at the waiter every two minutes, beseeching him wordlessly to hurry up so he can go home, or
b) He may praise the Lord for a godsend vulnerable, obviously distressed, woman that he can win over with a little sensitivity and attention, and who will, if all goes well, pick him for a quick rebound fling. If asked about your past, say you've been in a serious relationship before and leave it at that.

• Avoid physical intimacy if you're carrying emotional baggage. You might miss the physical intimacy that you shared with your ex and want to experience it again. It's your call entirely, but take care of yourself and make sure your reasons are all the right ones. And you know, taking it slow can actually be quite exciting.

• Avoid comparisons. Not all men are created equal. If your past relationship was traumatic, don't carry all your misgivings in the form of preset notions about men. It'll drive your new man away. In the same way, don't expect your date to have the same qualities you loved in your old mate. It's not fair that he must measure up to your past. Give him a fair chance.

The Doctor Is In
Doctors advise that when you're coming out of a long-term relationship, do not enter a new one quickly. Learn to be alone, as opposed to lonely. It's a good time to learn to be totally comfortable with your own company, to understand who you are, to understand what you really want from a relationship, and to understand the value you bring into a relationship.

I Couldn't Talk To Men!
I was shattered after my boyfriend of eight years left me. But the worst was yet to come. I found that I couldn't hold a normal conversation with a guy. I had just forgotten how to talk to men! I couldn't flirt and I couldn't react to compliments from men. It took some time for me to feel good about myself, to be alone and pick up the pieces. Initially, I rehearsed topics to talk about when I went out in a group. Then slowly, as I got my confidence back, I realised it was no big deal. It's all in the mind.
Rewa, 28, Asst Manager, Sales