So,
the 'khandaan's really kicked that a baby's on the way. Do they know that
they're going to have to give up pizzas and dinners out for a while? A humorous
look at the true costs of pregnancy. By Shilpi Kakkar-MadanCelebrating the belly
doesn't come cheap. No, we're not talking about gynaec bills nor of paying the
hospital bills - though they should probably have compensated you for lying like
a harpooned whale with your legs hitched up in the stirrups, undergoing hours of
labour pain (unless a quickie Caesarean birth happens). Other expenses added up
slowly. Here's an overall look into what financials actually go into the making
of your kid, from someone who's been there, and done (most of)
that!
Home
Pregnancy Tests
You
said, 'Yes'. He said, 'No'. Then you both argued and worked out the exact date
of the suspected nookie. You were convinced because your period was late by
three days. It had never happened before, you swore. He gave up. And then you
bought some foolproof home pregnancy kit. Okay, you bought one six times before
IT finally happened.
A
Hundred Pairs Of Shoes
Coughing
up money for practical footwear was a bummer, especially since you were already
struck down by toes swelling alarmingly owing to water retention. Okay, so you
could barely see your stubby toes from over your bump when you decided to invest
in that pair of purple Roman-style sandals, but you did feel a bit feminine
after making that purchase...less like a beachball hinged on thunder thighs,
waddling along. And yes, you wore those shoes only once.
Three
Dozen Bras
It's
an understatement to point out that your boobs felt tender and huge when you
were pregnant. Call it the making of Mother Dairy before you all but morphed
into your little tot's personal cow. Your bustline expanded generously. It felt
good to be size 36, but what if there was non stopping here? And why can't some
of the price of maternity bras be invested in getting some style into all that
fabric?
Not-So-Sexy
Undies
Okay,
that was putting it politely. Lacy, bow-enhanced engineering gave way to
elephant-sized knickers that began at your armpits after the first trimester.
You held out for as long as possible, but then you could no longer squeeze your
butt into those skimpy thongs either. Forget the hula skirts and 'edible
underwear' - the maternity lingerie range in India leaves a lot to be desired.
So-Called
Miracle Creams
Your
husband vouched for these creamy encounters. So do the tons of empty Vitamin E
cream jars and bottles. Remember rubbing gallons of those magic potions and
honey lotions on your puffy feet and tum, 24x7x9? And the endless tubes of every
anti-stretch mark cream you read about or saw in the supermarket - that you then
bought? And later kicked aside when cruel stretch marks galore appeared anyway,
starting from your bum and working their way upwards... You had already paid for
'em!
The
Slept-Through Entertainment
You
felt fat and sleepy all the time when you were pregnant. Snoozing through some
moronic film you had bamboozled your husband into watching with you at night was
a disastrous waste, especially when he shot daggers at you for dragging him
along. Or for that matter, the movies you rented to see with him - before you
took off for Noddyland the moment you both got cosy under the covers.And that
play you were dying to see and where you fell asleep after the first
half-hour...
The
Minute-Long Food Cravings
Remember
when you wanted Tandoori fish with lemon, in the middle of the night? What about
that jar of pickled gherkins that's licking dust in your kitchen larder after
you developed a sudden inexplicable longing to feast on buttered toast with sour
gherkins? Just once. Or that huge economy sized container of Tang, your impulse
purchase, that you pried open and sampled once? And let's not talk about the
elaborate five-star buffet breakfasts you threw up after, owing to your
nausea....
The
Baby Names Scrolls
You
had already decided upon the name for the tiny tot - when you were 10. But you
thought maybe you'd like another one, paying for not one, not two, but three
books of baby names. You spent hours scouring websites for new names, with
little difference in the database, a lot of increase to the Internet and
telephone logs. Joined libraries because you thought they offered you access to
even more names... And then ended up keeping the name you had already decided
upon.
Baby
Paraphernalia
The
tiny jumper looked adorable - never mind that it was so tiny it could only fit
your baby's smallest doll. So did the spaghetti top. And the miniscule Garfield
vest. On the spur of the moment, you invested in a fluffy, woollen coverall
that you never did use because the baby came out bawling in hot June. And those
tiny 'jhablas' you bought by the kilo? The baby outgrew them in a
month...
The
Plane Ticket For Ma
You
got cold feet as the date drew near.And just couldn't stop howling for your Mom.
So in she flew. But the baby's healthy and doing great.That's all that matters
at the end of the day. Cheers!
