We hope to raise our children to become kind, cooperative, feeling people who will give family life high priority, who will participate in the community, who will enrich their spirits with cultural interests, and who will not let their jobs distort their lives. Sometimes, however, we also feel the need to send them away to study to make this happen. So how do you parent a child from a distance?

Only Out Of Sight
Some parents believe that children who study away from home usually grow up to be confident and self-reliant adults. Parveen Singh from Goa, mother of 16-year-old Angad and 12-year-old Aman, is convinced that her decision to send her children to a boarding school in Ooty, is a good one.

"Initially, it was tough, as even my own husband was against the idea. But the reason I enrolled my children there was because I didn't see them doing much out here. They would return from school at 1.00 pm and then what? Watch TV, play video games... stuff that is not what life is all about. Having studied in Canada myself, I found a lot wanting out here. So, after a lot of research, we wound up at this school, and the final decision was the children's."

Often, because boarding schools are set in large tracts of estate and in salubrious surroundings, the child has access to an unpolluted climate, more space and facilities than a school in the city would be able to offer. Madhavi Amin from Bangalore and mother of 18-year-old Kirtan studying at Kodaikanal has another point of view.

"I find my son is more appreciative of us and spends more quality time with us whenever he comes home. He is more confident in his outlook to life and makes a lot of important decisions on his own. For example, he has decided on his future career path very rationally. I find he is more efficient at managing his time by being better organised work wise, as well as managing his personal things.

He would rather read, listen to music, and spend time with family, instead of attending parties all the time or hanging out at coffee shops. When at school, his free time is utilised more in activities related to his age group, like soccer or basketball matches, doing social work for the under-privileged, with enough time to watch TV or hang out with friends."

Dealing With The Boarding Bogey
Whatever the reason you decide to send your kid to boarding school, you know it will not be easy. With the advantages come the disadvantages. Madhavi reminisces, "Parting from Kirtan the first time was a total wrench. I also miss his day-to-day growing up; each time I see him, he has grown some more.

I also had to get accustomed to his need for space, and to not being needed on a day-to-day basis. He also misses out on some family functions and visits from relatives. The time we are anxious the most is when he is ill and I'm sure he feels the need to be with us most during this period." But she reasons, "Ultimately, children have to go on with their own emotional growth and development independently. A parent has to learn to let go."

So although you might be tempted to smother or overindulge the child when she is at home, this is neither necessary nor sensible. Do not shower the returning child with presents. Instead, create grounds to strengthen a real relationship. Encourage a new hobby or urge a helping hand in housework.

Set The Right Tone For Separation
Children will not feel abandoned or lonely if parents are absolutely reliable about the time and place of the pick-up or drop-off and remain patient and understanding during the transition period. It is vital that parents not casually break their appointments for visits and be there on special occasions like graduation day, sports day, etc. Children are hurt when they get the impression that other obligations are more important.

Most psychologists advise parents to avoid constant bickering in front of children. But when a child studying far away comes home, he or she should also be made aware that life is not just a bed of roses. Children are always aware of and disturbed by ongoing conflict between their parents, and it is good for them to feel that they can discuss this with them, in order to develop a realistic picture.

Distant parenting also warrants constantly assuring the children of love and support. It is imperative to develop a healthy line of communication with your children. This enables children to be more open with their parents, thereby avoiding misunderstandings. One needs to follow a definite practical pattern of parenting with the needed flexibility, to ensure a successful relationship with children far away from you.

Stay Connected
E-mail: E-mail is an excellent way to stay in touch every day. A computer is not necessary with portable e-mail devices like mobile phones.

Audio-Video Tapes: Videos of fun times will remind the child of the love connection. Sending homemade audio tapes of jokes or stories will keep kids occupied and create memories.
Mail: Children love to get their own mail! Writing frequently is more important than writing long letters.
Telephone: Call to chat, or just to say 'I love you'. Keep conversations focused on the kids and what they are doing. This heightens the feeling of connection.
Movies: Send the money for a ticket to a movie. Both of you go to see it in your respective towns or cities and talk about it later on the phone.
Books/Magazines: Subscriptions help a child practise reading. The parent may have the same magazine and they can have a discussion about the articles.
Gifts: Gift certificates or small tokens can be used as incentives for grades, behaviour, chores, etc.
A Thinking-Of-You Box: Children love to receive things that remind them of time spent together. Simple items can make lasting memories of being loved. Pictures, clippings, and ticket stubs all have meaning.

Making It Less Difficult
• Be sensitive to your child's emotional and physical needs, especially during her teenage years.
• Be in tune with what's happening in her life, preferably on a day-to-day basis.
• Be responsible in inculcating a sense of family values, which will enable her to have her feet planted firmly on the ground.
• Constantly reveal to her in words and actions that a sound education is a must and that she is studying away from home for that very reason. Explain your rationale for carefully choosing the school she is now in.
• Maintain a healthy line of communication at all times.

Women's Day Special: Cut The Guilt
Once you've decided that boarding school is the right option for your child, you owe it to yourself to stop obsessing over the fact that you've sent her away. Make a game plan to ensure that you continue to give her the inputs she deserves, and look around you - there are hordes of successful, well adjusted young adults who want to thank their parents for sending them away to the schools they went to.