Reams of books and yards of articles notwithstanding, bringing up children remains a completely hit-and-miss affair. You just have to invent a new rule as you are faced with each new situation. The ironing-the-nappies stage is the sleepless zone, the 'Dennis the Menace' stage the age of exhaustion, but nothing you've gone through prepares you for the cyclonic area called the terrible teens. Still, having survived my two teenagers, and now into an amazingly satisfying relationship with them - yes, you too, can reach this El Dorado - here's my addition to the wisdom in the reams of books and yards of articles...

Forget The Stages

Some of them last 15 years or more. What are you going to do?

The length of this adversarial relationship is in inverse proportion to how mollycoddled and spoilt your children are. Children encouraged to be independent and responsible get out of this zone much faster.

Forget Quality Time

I once tried spending it with my kids - they soothed me down, and told me they'd pay total attention when 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S' was over.

Forget 'Let's Have A Talk'

One of the teens will suddenly remember she has urgent homework to do or her teacher will kill her. (The number of times her teacher has been ready to kill her used to be really worrying.) The other will look as though he is facing interrogation by the Gestapo. Get with the groove - use the telephone if you want to know what's on their mind. Call them, even if you are in the next room and you will get full disclosure, thoughts in detail, philosophy and ambitions. When you want to speak to them face to face, they'll be on the phone with someone else.

Forget Over Supervision

Just get a system going to get them committed and focussed. They'll take care of the rest themselves. Help them, but don't do it for them. Don't read the 'Encyclopaedia Britannica' for them; they can access it or whatever source they want on the Internet. Your response should invariably be: 'Let's look it up'. Their work will take a little while longer finishing, but you will have kids who are curious and well informed and hooked on 'looking up' and doing it themselves.

Forget Trying To Mould Them

They are not jellies; just a temporarily smaller version of a larger person you will know someday, hopefully. Encourage self-reliance, the primary edict being that they don't come to the adult for every little thing. They then become adept at getting ready on their own, at making toast, getting their cornflakes, occasionally having extremely unsuitable food and emerging unscathed on the other side. They will also manage to spend some time on their own without falling to pieces.

Keep In Mind That They're Going To Blame You Anyway

Don't be afraid that they'll blame you for being bad parents; they are going to blame you for being any kind of parent. This is all part of their individualisation in which one adult ego is trampled in to the dust so that one teenage ego may emerge.

Being A 'Mommy' Is Not Your Job

Being a writer or a manager or a programmer or a homemaker is. Being a mummy is being in what the Americans call a relationship -a lifetime roller coaster, one with enough ups and downs to put any self-respecting ocean tide to shame. Welcome to the ride, folks.

Try Not To Talk Down To Them

This is a corollary to the 'let's have a talk' rule. Like it or not, they are miniature adults on their way to growing up, and developing a healthy and effective communication style is vital. Let them express their opinions freely. You don't have to agree, and being honest about your feelings is better than pretending an attitude you are uncomfortable with. Kids see through lies very fast.You are a parent, not an accomplice and so need to behave accordingly. Lay out the behaviourial parameters within which you would like them to operate, and then enforce them by continual reiteration - done preferably in a good-humoured way, rather than with raised decibels. Children look forward to leadership from parents; if you are hesitant or timid or reluctant, they'll feel you have failed them.

Neither are they out to get you, going by their behaviour. Don't bear grudges. Continue to object to what you don't like, and be your loving self on everything else. Letting anger colour all your interactions will be self-defeating. They'll just shut you out completely.

Answer Questions About Sex...

Promptly, and in words that suit your child's age. Don't be evasive, funny, or furious. You will probably feel embarrassed; keep that under wraps.

Love Them...

Without coddling them, shielding them from the consequences of their actions, finding excuses for repeated bad behaviour, or indulging in gender inequality. The injustice of the last rankles for life. Be consistent - don't issue horrific threats one minute and 10 minutes later, overload them with attention and promised treats. You would have got the picture by now. You can give them ice cream three times in a week, but they'll claim they had it last in the year dot. You can hug them in the morning and they'll tell you in the evening that it happened once, last year. They'll yell at you, hug you, tell you they love you, tell you that you don't understand them, but finally in the end, they will grow out of all this.

One day, you will have an adult on your hands and the beginnings of a different relationship, but that's another story.