One of the most remarkable aspects of the 21st century is the attention that most of us pay to relationships. Whether between parent and child, man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, boss and subordinate, siblings, friends or every conceivable dyadic combination you can think of, a lot of our time and energy is spent - sometimes well, sometimes fruitlessly - in sorting out our relationships.

A few decades ago, relationships just happened . Some turned out well, some soured. But one just moved on with a fatalistic shrug. Nobody actually thought of 'working on' relationships. Today however, overwhelmed as we are, with a bewildering plethora of relationships, we find the need to think more about them, to invest more time, emotions and energy in them, to get them up and running and more 'meaningful'.

I find it very hard to buy the argument that relationships in 'those days' were far more stable than they currently are. If by 'stable' you mean there was less turbulence, then this would be true. However, today's relationships are far more intense and involved than their counterparts of yesteryears . Now intensity is a two-edged sword. While the 'highs' are really soaring, the 'lows' are pretty much nadir-like. As a result, modern-day relationships are more up-and-down, more mercurial, more draining but equally more exhilarating, deeper and more meaningful.

Define Your Space

As social beings, we live in a variety of spaces. There is first our 'personal space', that inviolable part of ourselves that we are unwilling to share with all and sundry, our sanctum sanctorum as it were. There is then, the 'marriage space' if we are married or involved in an intense, intimate relationship. We also exist in a 'family space', a 'friendship space', a 'work space' and a 'community space'. In each of these spaces, we engage in one-on-one relationships and each of these relationships are exceedingly important to our composite sense of identity and wellbeing. But equally, we sometimes feel like these relationships are too demanding and drain us of our energy and we might feel like cutting and running from them. Actually, it is not the relationships that are demanding. It's just that we have not adequately defined 'boundaries' in our relationships to make them less exhausting.

A friend of mine was, in a recent conversation with me, flummoxed with the whole idea of having boundaries in relationships. He, having grown up in the '70s, believed in free love and a state of 'borderlessness' if a relationship were to be meaningful.This confusion arises from an improper understanding of the concept of relationship boundaries. Let us be clear about one thing: One defines boundaries in relationships, not to constrict them but to enhance their longevity . Oxymoronic? Not really! A boundary is not a 'lakshman rekha' that is drawn to indicate 'thus far, no further'. This is the popular misconception of the term.

A boundary is actually a line telling us how much we are capable of extending ourselves for a relationship at that particular point in time. For instance, we could bend over backwards for our partner, less so for a parent, even less so for a sibling and so on.It also tells us in what areas we can extend ourselves. For instance, we may be prepared to give financial support to a sibling or a particular friend, but not emotional support or vice versa. Or, we may not want to be a member of one club or association, but more than happy to be actively associated with another. As we mature and develop, we might consider revising and redefining our boundaries for with personal growth, our capabilities for extension increase.

If you understand boundaries in this manner, you will realise that you have been, consciously or unconsciously, defining relationship boundaries ever since you were a child... The minute you decided that you would never lend your brother your pencils because he always ended up losing them, you defined a boundary. When you told yourself you would confide in your mother but not your father, you defined a boundary. When you decided you would help one of your suitors with a friendly shoulder rather than give him your heart, you defined another boundary. When you were appalled that one of your friends asked you to lie on her behalf to her boyfriend, you defined yet another boundary. When you... But you get my drift!

Using The Cut-Off

The thing with boundaries is that, if you are conscious of them, you will less often be surprised or feel let down by the relationships in your life. I am, of course, not suggesting that every time you get into a relationship, you list your boundary definitions to the other person and get into a contract. What I am saying is, whenever you feel a relationship is becoming demanding or unfulfilling, before running away from it, ask yourself what kind of boundaries you have delineated in the relationship. Understanding some of the basic rules that govern boundaries (see box) might help you redefine some of them, so your relationship can be enhanced instead of being lopped off. Also, when you and the other person in the relationship are conscious of your respective boundaries, you will have to contend with far fewer boundary violations. Usually when either you or the other person transgresses a boundary, a boundary violation occurs; if you are unaware of this, you end up having a big fight, which might scar the relationship. Several such violations could even end up severing the relationship.

In the final analysis, relationships are meant to be enjoyed . We all have a need to love and be loved, to give and to receive, to nurture and be nurtured, to share good times and crises, to support and be supported. Without relationships, we can never achieve all of these. And without clearly defined boundaries, relationships can never be meaningful, substantial or enduring. The more conscious we are of boundaries in our relationships, the less demanding need they be.

Some Basic Principles Of Relationship Boundaries

Boundaries define your capacity to extend yourself and are more dependent on you than the other person.

Boundaries are not fixed. They can be constantly redefined as relationships grow.

Boundaries can be tight or lax . The less prepared you are to extend yourself in a particular area for a particular person, the tighter the boundary.

As a rule, the more intense and intimate the relationship, the laxer are the boundaries . There is no sense in extending yourself more for the neighbour you occasionally bump into than your co-worker, or for your cousin than your mother, or for your friend than your spouse.

There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ boundaries; we only have congruent or incongruent boundaries . If both persons are comfortable with a particular pattern and it works for both, the boundary is a congruent one.

Boundaries can also be inclusive or exclusive . An inclusive boundary is one where one makes an attempt to accommodate the needs of the other person. An exclusive boundary is based only on your own need.

The more number of inclusive boundaries in the relationship, the closer it is and the greater the comfort between both persons.

All disagreements are not boundary violations . If both agree to disagree, the area of disagreement constitutes each one’s personal space and the areas of agreement constitute the relationship space.

A pre-agreed method of handling boundary violations facilitates the delineation of relationship boundaries.

Strive for congruent, inclusive and lax boundaries in your close relationships and you can make them more meaningful and substantial.