TO be a friend or to go all 'parenty' and stern - that is a dilemma most parents face all through their lives. Usually, we fluctuate between being too nice and overfriendly, and being a stern disciplinarian and the voice of no reason. The answer lies in being a combination of gentle and firm. Being a best friend and a parent means listening, communicating, sharing information, trusting and being supportive. It also means being authoritative when necessary and teaching children about values.

Be Ready To Change

When children are small, we are responsible for their physical and emotional needs. As they grow older, the equation changes and the relationship becomes more one of equals. To ensure that a healthy and friendly relation-ship evolves with time requires effort.

Art gallery owner Gita and husband Sandeep Maini, Managing Director, Maini Group, have two children aged four and six. Gita says, "Since our kids were small, I've laid down a few ground rules. Those concerning food, health and sleep are non-negotiable, but they get to choose which TV programmes to watch and which games to play." Setting clear ground rules and being flexible when it comes to their happiness and well-being helps in striking the right balance. Children need to have routine, guidelines and consistency in their daily life. It makes them feel more secure and in control.

What about discipline? Well-known artist Gurudas Shenoy and wife Amita, parents of 10-year-old Rakhee, feel, "As parents, it's our responsibility to enforce discipline - for instance, there can be no compromise on studies." Discipline must be enforced gently but firmly. As children grow older, parents need to revise rules and at the same time, be more open to negotiation. Consistency between both parents is an absolute must; children are very smart, and they learn to play off one parent against the other when parents are in conflict.

Communication Is The Key

Keeping channels of communication open is the best way to balanced parenting. Children should be encouraged to discuss anything under the sun with their parents. Sandeep Maini feels, "Children should be able to voice their opinions fearlessly." They should feel comfortable asking you the most uncomfortable of questions. Gurudas Shenoy says, "Communication is part of 'friendly parenting' - as friends, we must learn to listen, to share activities and play with them. Children should also be able to trust us and share their problems with us, they must feel that their parents are accessible and are there for them.'' Since children often lack the ability to coherently put their thoughts into words, listening carefully will ensure you don't miss out on what's important to them.

Share Life

Children need to feel their parents are there for them, no matter what. Sharing activities is a great way to bond and spend quality time together. A stronger bond helps in balancing the friend-parent tightrope. Social exposure and play are also musts in the all-round development of children. Playing helps them interact better with other children, which in turns helps in bettering social skills. Rakhee, a popular child at school, says her parents' language and social skills have rubbed off on her and helped her make a lot of friends.

Be Firm With Values

Instilling values, being understanding and respecting children's confidences are important. Shenoy and Amita feel, "We grew up in joint families and imbibed values naturally, whereas today, in nuclear families, a conscious effort has to be made to instil 'sanskaras'.

Establish Boundaries

Emotional and psychological support is another factor that needs to be taken care of by parents. A positive attitude, humour and open lines of communication go a long way in balancing both roles with ease. Amita Shenoy sums up the equation: "Being a good friend and a good parent cannot be de-linked. When you are friends with your child, parenting becomes that much simpler. At the same time, one must establish clear boundaries and not spoil them."

Be A Friendly Parent

Accept change as the only constant in your child's life. Their preferences, likes, dislikes and priorities are all changing with time.

Be a fallible human rather than a moralistic being on a pedestal. Educate by example and not through preaching.

Respect your children and they will respect you.

Give them the freedom to make mistakes and guide them so they can learn from experiences.

Give them the space to grow.

Use kind words and help them deal with unpleasant situations. Listen. Be their confidante without being non-judgemental and they will love to share information with you.

Provide unconditional emotional anchoring and trust.

Mama Don't Preach!

Social activist Munira and hubby Ashish Sen, director of the NGO VOICES, are actively involved in theatre. Their 13-year-old son Mikhail shares their passion for the stage.

Their takes on balancing the best friend and parenting roles:

Munira says:

Explain pros and cons to them rather than force a list of dos and don'ts on them.

Allow them to make choices.

Appeal to their sense of reason.

Address issues at the right time. I use every teachable moment I get.

It's important to be natural with kids. We need to discuss sexuality, HIV/AIDS or whatever they want to know. It not only gives them perspective, but makes them more mature.

Focus on nurturing rather than being authoritative.

Ashish says:

Keep a window for discussion open and be ready to resolve any issue constructively.

Treat children as thinking individuals.

Spend quality time together in common interests.

Mikhail says:

"I often hang out with my parents; I think they are very cool and a lot of fun."