YOU need to get your butt off that floor and straighten yourself up. After all you're a living, breathing human being, not some old doormat. So many women, even in today's so-called liberal, changing times, find themselves in a virtual rut. Some are conscious of it, but don't do much to improve their lot, while others, god bless their pathetic souls, don't even realise how much they're being ridden over! Don't you think that it's time they woke up and smelt the coffee (that someone else was making for a change!)?

A Checklist

Are you constantly living for others? Go through these classic 'doormat' attributes:

Attitudinal affinity with grovelling in the dirt: You feel it's your rightful place to be under another's command. Their wish is your every command and their dirt is yours to clean.

Glorification of martyrdom: You love being a martyr. You are habituated to being the sacrificial goat, getting slaughtered all the time and don't find anything wrong with it. In short, you put tragedy mom Nirupa Roy to shame.

An internalisation that submission makes you womanlier: An advanced conditioning by dominating or significant others has led you to believe that a submissive woman is a real woman. You have come to believe that you have no say in the matter or what you say doesn't matter.

Low self-esteem: A poor self-image makes you feel you're worthless and deserve to be treated with disrespect.

Domineering parents/spouse: Significant others take advantage of your passive nature to extort the maximum they can get out of you by playing on your emotions.

Not being able to say 'no'! : You tend to take on much more than you can handle as you can't seem to muster up the guts to refuse someone's request for fear of displeasing them. Unfortunately, you find more dissatisfied people at the end of the day for your inability to deliver on time. This erodes your credibility and only frustrates everyone including you.

Stop Being A Doormat

Get a life! Your own! Stop living for someone else all the time! There's nothing wrong with doing stuff that makes you happy. Remember if you're happy, you can contribute more effectively to making others happy too.

Learn to say 'no' at the right time and stick to it: Don't bite off more than you can chew. Preferably take stock of what you already have at hand and prioritise your work; take on one thing at a time rather than not be able to meet any of your commitments in the end.This way, you will feel a greater sense of achievement and satisfaction and will make others respect you more for being able to say 'no' and mean 'no'.

Learn to love yourself: Everyone has special gifts. Stop comparing yourself to others. Everybody has a bit of good and bad in him/her. It's up to you to believe in yourself and utilise your hidden potential. Build on your positive attributes and make your assets work best for you.

Slot a time in the day just for yourself: Take up a long-lost hobby or do something you enjoy - reading, sleeping, watching television, creative writing or just taking a stroll in the park. Recreation helps to rejuvenate and de-stress. Dictate your own terms and don't let anyone convince you you've wasted time. Your time is your own and you should have the prerogative to decide what is a waste and what is an investment of time.

Don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed: Discernment is the key to knowing when you're being taken for a walkover. If people start giving you their sob stories or bring up the millions of times they've done things for you or make you feel ungrateful, worthless, lazy or selfish, you know where they are coming from and you should firmly decide that you don't want to go there.

Own your power and your glory: In the words of the world famous talk show host, Oprah Winfrey: "Stop wasting time being mundane and mediocre. It doesn't matter what you've been through, where you come from, who your parents are or what your socio-economic state is. What really matters is how you choose to love, how you choose to express that love through your work or through your family. Dare to be different. Be the kind of woman who in the face of adversity will continue to embrace life and walk fearlessly toward the challenge. Make your own choices and rule your domain - whatever it is - your home, your office, and your family - with a loving heart. Take ownership; it gives you power."

Seek help and vent feelings: Vent your frustrations and seek help - either professional or from other positive and strong-minded women. Their empathy, encouragement and examples will help you realise that you're not the only one who faces this problem. Form a support group for women with similar problems so that you can provide and receive emotional support from these like-minded women.

Don't make the mistake of being too critical of yourself: The more you criticise yourself the more people around you tend to believe the negative. It only makes them feel better about themselves. So, if you don't have something nice to say about yourself, don't say anything at all.

A Real-Life Turnaround

Shirin* was your typical 'anything you say' kind of girl. When she was growing up she'd fall in with any plans, be it to do with the family or her own. When her father said she should take up science, she did, although she was more inclined towards the arts. She eventually had to work doubly hard to achieve the results her parents expected. She'd never go out as she knew this would upset her parents who were overly protective and anxious. She was mostly a loner, reserved and quiet. She began disliking herself. She married someone her parents chose for her and soon, cooking, cleaning, ironing, looking after the kids was all she did. She felt no happiness. Shirin felt unappreciated, unattractive, used and depressed.

One day, a neighbour and close friend, Asha, asked her if everything was all right, as it didn't seem to be for quite a while. Apparently, all Shirin needed was an outlet - her woes came pouring out like an erupting volcano. Asha's brother was a practising psychiatrist and with a little prodding, Shirin decided, for the first time in her life, that she required help. The sessions that followed helped Shirin understand that her situation at home was to do with her own attitude, which badly needed a change. She started gaining more confidence in her ability to be a nice person without being a doormat. She began taking more control of her life, taking small decisions herself and asserting her own needs. Shirin was soon laughing more and relating with her husband and children who noticed the remarkable change for the better. Their respect for her grew and they stopped taking her for granted. Shirin began socialising and doing the things she enjoyed. After all, she was investing valuable recreational time on herself, finding happiness that she could now pass on to her loved ones, two fold.