Psychotherapist, relationships consultant and author Dr Vijay Nagaswami puts you off extramarital excursions

Affairs happen unannounced, get discovered at the most awkward of times and leave in their wake considerable emotional suffering and scarring. So are affairs really worth the trouble? Apparently people think they are, otherwise why would they be falling over themselves to have 'em?

Affairs Are Not Exclusively Urban Phenomena
Denizens of small town India as well as rural India are not far behind their metropolitan counterparts in this department. Nor are affairs recent phenomena. Even the Ten Commandments found it necessary to exhort people not to covet the neighbour's wife.

More Women Initiate Affairs Today
It would be unfair to lay the blame for affairs entirely on the man's doorstep. Women too, are rapidly becoming active initiators of affairs - not in the feline, seductive manner of the temptresses of yore, but in the more assertive, sauce-for-the-gander manner that characterises the 'Dil Maange More' woman.

An Affair Detracts From The Marriage
An affair is a dynamic relationship, not a static one; it requires nourishment in terms of love, time and energy, all of which are in finite supply. Sooner than later, the affair is going to demand more. No inamorato is going to be perennially satisfied with a few stolen moments, torrid text messages, 'bhaaji' on the beach and the unsigned greeting card. And when the demands increase, the person is immediately at a crossroads: Whom does one prioritise - spouse or paramour? Not always an easy choice, I am told. ( Have you, or your friends, had an extra-marital affair? Share your experience with us .)

Temptation Exists
It is but natural to feel attracted to one's colleague at work, considering one spends more time with him than one's spouse. It is also natural to feel attracted to a perfect stranger and fantasise about tearing his clothes off and making mad passionate love to him in the backseat of your car. But what determines the fate and quality of your marriage is the way you respond to this feeling of attraction.

If you are able to check your need for instant gratification, you'll probably have a cold shower and get on with your day. On the other hand, if you must be gratified immediately, the well-worn backseat of your car will probably get another workout, as will your emotions when you sit down to deal with this new incursion into your marriage.

Prevention Is Better Than Heartbreak
The best way to deal with an affair is to prevent it. To do this, an understanding of the situations and circumstances that affairs often happen in, might be of help (see box - The Affair Ready Reckoner). Whatever the cause of an affair, it needs to be dealt with. I have known many couples that have treated an affair as a wake-up call, have paid attention to their marriage and each other's needs and gone on to have wonderful, lasting marriages. Affairs happen only when gaps exist in the marriage; if they do, it is time to take stock of them and do a bit of overhauling. Remember, affairs can be survived and even forgotten, if you and your partner make a concerted effort to do so.