ROLE MODELLING The most common reason why women put up with abuse is probably role modelling — in that they may have grown up in families where their fathers, uncles or brothers may have abused or dominated the women, and they have learnt to accept it as the norm.
Such tolerance also has a lot to do with social pressures, thinks actress Nandita Das. “Let’s face it — ours is an unequal society. It doesn’t take kindly to women speaking out. In fact, even in the so-called educated, economically-strong social circles, a divorcee woman is not looked upon kindly.”
And yet, many women HAVE walked out of such abusive relationships. “You and I enjoy more freedom than our grandmothers because of these few women who stood up, despite it being tough,” asserts Das. “I’ve no right to look down upon a woman who may not have the courage to stand up to such violence,” adds Das. WOMEN AS ABUSERS Sometimes, the woman can play the role of an abuser. As vice president, Kinetic Motor Co, Vismaya Firodia, rightly points out, “It’s not always about men abusing women. Women can also be controlling and abusive of their partners — not necessarily physically but emotionally. Irrespective, the effects on the victim are similar, so I would not term it as a gender issue but a sick, dysfunctional relationship dynamic.”
She adds, “No victim of abuse likes being controlled. The abuser works on weakening the victim mentally by isolating her from friends and family, and the ruin of self-esteem. This can be a very potent mixture in making the victim mentally powerless.
So while as an outsider, it is easy to question why anyone would put up with such treatment; for someone who is actually being subjected to it, the perspective is lost and the strength hard to find.”
However, like all malaises, a victim of sadism could seek to change her situation by pyschotherapy to gain in confidence, or as Dr Chugh says, “seek to identify the crevices, to recognise how they came about in one’s pysche and then learn healthier and better coping strategies.”
Got comments or questions? e-mail us femina@timesgroup.com with ‘mind set — abusive relationships’ in the subject line.