"Honey, you know that I love you, don't you?"

"I really didn't mean a word I said last night, honest!"

"Oh my God! Won't you forgive me darling? I was drunk last night! I don't know how I could do this to you..."

Picture these 'soothers' with armfuls of roses, perhaps at a heady night out with the wife/girlfriend dressed to the hilt and trying to cover up her physical and emotional bruises the best she can.

Welcome to the world of the upwardly mobile batterer. Wife battering is no longer the exclusive domain of the illiterate 'bewda' husband of our 'bais'. Not really a new breed, the new batterer is in fact now increasingly coming to light only because the wife has, at long last, overcome her paranoia of washing dirty linen in public, and decided to come out into the open.

So Who's Beating His Wife?

One thing's for sure, he isn't your stereotypical vicious villain.

But yes, he could be your soft-spoken neighbour who 'wouldn't hurt a fly' (his 'wife' is a different story altogether)or your charming banker. In fact, just about anyone might be a closet wife batterer.

This man is a confused individual who takes his frustrations out on the handiest scapegoat available - his wife. And he can rest assured that her lips will remain sealed because family, in our typical Indian set-up, is considered sacrosanct and above public scrutiny. In the first place, the wife will choose not to talk about it and in case she does, even the closest family friends will be loath to intervene in 'domestic matters between husband and wife'.

All of which makes it so much more convenient for Mr Batterer - the wolf in sheep's clothing. "One important reason for battering is the absence of resources and support mechanisms available to victims of battering," says Chennai-based psychologist and relationships expert Dr Nagaswami. "I have had a woman tell me that even at the all-woman police station (a Tamil Nadu phenomenon set up ostensibly for the protection of women), she was advised to 'adjust' to her battering husband. Additionally, a study done a few years ago in Uttar Pradesh and Tamil Nadu revealed that women didn't mind being beaten up occasionally by their men if the latter's intention was to 'correct' them." No wonder, then, that the batterer is often so smug.

Why's He Slapping Her Around?

His excuses could be his job, his social life, his general attitude to life or even his upbringing. And the reasons quoted have to be heard to be believed; they wash the convenient 'psycho-sociological problem' theory right down the drain.

Saroj is being beaten on a regular basis because she watches soaps and he fears she'll learn lessons in infidelity from them. Meeta is tortured mercilessly to prove that Ma-in-law rules the roost. Prahlad's daughter is thrashed to pulp because his son-in-law wants his prime property in Mumbai to be transferred in his own mother's name.

As Dr Nagaswami puts it, "Most don't see their behaviour as a 'problem' requiring intervention. Some see it as a 'weakness' that the partner has to learn to put up with; others as a sign of drunken behaviour, for alcohol-related problems do accompany the battering, and these believe only they can cure themselves. Some see it as their right."

Why Is A Smart Woman Letting Him Walk All Over Her?

"A woman's relationship with a man is a fairly complex one," Dr Nagaswami explains. "Many batterers can be otherwise very loving and affectionate and this serves to keep the woman's hopes alive that perhaps her love will help him overcome the problem. Sometimes, a woman may feel that although the reaction is excessive, maybe she provoked it in some way. For some women, it's not knowing that they have an alternative that keeps them in abusive relationships. It's only when the woman realises that there is a better quality of life that she can aspire to, and when she receives the support of somebody from the outside and she figures out what she can do, that she will move away from seeing herself as the 'victim' and become a 'survivor'."

Seligman's famed experiment tells us about 'learnt helplessness', in which a subject placed in an uncontrollable environment accepts passively even when escape is possible. An amazing number of women - yes, even astute, highly qualified, financially independent ones - docilely accept bad marriages and brutish husbands as 'unalterable fate' and refuse to stand up for themselves.

Many others prefer to silently bear battering so as not to bring 'shame' on the family name. Yet another type of woman may endure because of eroded self esteem, which totally numbs her soul. It is bad enough when one endures passively; but worse when the victim starts believing that she perhaps deserves the situation. No human being deserves this state of affairs.

Take A Stand

It is Dr Nagaswami's firm belief that, "No woman should accept being battered as a part of being married. Even if it happens once, the couple should visit a marital therapist to see how they can deal with the problem. The attitude towards battering should be a zero-tolerance one. While a first-time batterer need not be prosecuted, professional intervention should be sought immediately, before the matter enters the criminal justice system."

In The Cycle

The cycle of violence which the batterer and battered go through universally follows three stages:

Tension building : The battering is mostly verbal/psychological, aimed to hurt or/and insult. The victim keeps mum with the object of avoiding confrontation and also tries to smooth over ruffled feathers. She thereby inadvertently makes the batterer feel more 'in command'.

Active battering : This is the stage when the batterer throws caution to the winds and lets loose the beast within. The victim is in a Catch-22 situation - if she retaliates, she incenses him further to murderous rage; if she bears it, she makes him feel invincible and in turn, more ruthless.

The honeymoon phase : During this reconciliatory phase, the beast becomes once again the attentive beau that he was while he wooed his wife. He'll be loving and contrite and ready to do anything to make up. This highly beguiling phase once again lures the victim into a false sense of security. But the respite is short lived with the slightest going against his wish triggering off the whole chain again.

Beat The Situation

• Recognise abuse as abuse, whether it is physical or emotional.

• Cultivate a supportive group of friends.

• Be financially independent.

• Be assertive. Don't take things lying down.

•Don't feel shy to get professional help; don't wait till things get out of hand.

• Walk out of potentially dangerous liaisons; making a mistake doesn't mean living with one.

• Trust your instincts, even if the rest of the world is under the 'charmer's spell.

What's Battering?

There's more to it than simply hitting the wife. Too unimaginative! The new improved batterer has smartened up. It isn't just through physical control; he can do it through psychological control too. He can reduce his wife to a nervous wreck without lifting a finger - imagine the sense of power it gives him!

He is kind and considerate in public because he saves scenes for private when he can resort to verbal abuse which even smart women not only permit but also sometimes fail to recognise as 'abuse'. Yet, abuse it is, because though it leaves no visible signs, it can be devastating, as it can flatten her self-esteem more efficiently than a steamroller. Forever. And no one will be wiser. Perhaps not even you.