By Sejal Mehta

Zareena*, 23, student: I was walking back home from college when I spotted him. Just outside the lane I live in. Again. I had noticed him for two weeks now. My shadow, as a friend put it. He was at my college hangout, he was outside my guitar class and I could've sworn he was in the movie hall last night.

I wasn't alarmed before; he was really cute and I kind of enjoyed the attention. But now, standing below my house... this was my territory. It worried me. But not as much as it did when I looked outside my window close to midnight and saw him looking up at me. That was before the blank calls started. I knew then that I was being stalked!

When you read such pieces, it's usually with a morbid curiosity. It makes for interesting reading, you think. It has all the excitement and drama of a thriller - threatening calls, police intervention, scared victims. But somewhere you fail to relate to the helplessness the victim faces - the helplessness that remains in their lives even after the stalker has been removed. ( Had a scary stalking experience? Share your story with us . )

Because no one - not family, not friends, not newspapers, not us - actually feels the trauma the victim feels...

But we can try and educate ourselves. We can try to understand. So we are better equipped to help when this seemingly remote problem hits someone close to us... or worse, us!

It's not just the famous who get stalked. It can happen to you or me. In fact, studies show that normal, unknown people like us are plagued by the stalker phenomenon more than celebrities are. And with cyber stalking flourishing under the colossal umbrella of the World Wide Web, the world is suddenly full of weirdos who are coming out of their closets with abandon.

What Is Stalking?
Says advocate A Majeed Memon: If a person follows you in an intimidating manner or poses a threat to you and intrudes illegally on your privacy, it becomes a legal offence. Simply put: If you find you have a tail, get rid of it - quickly.

Let's Identify The Enemy
Not that they're easily identifiable, much less recognisable. A stalker's physical appearance and initial behaviour gives nothing away of his state of mind. But by and large stalkers fall into certain behavioural patterns.

The Exes: These are demons from your past. People who've been a part of your life. People you chose to show the door to. Except that they didn't close the door on their way out because they never actually left. Like an ex lover, an estranged parent, a friend, a colleague you've fallen out with - anyone you 'rejected'. They cannot accept the fact that the relationship is over and continue to keep track of your life in any way they can. And are obsessing about it! So they follow you around to see who you meet, hack into your e-mail accounts to keep a check of the people you are in touch with, intercept your post regularly, etc. Remember 'Fatal Attraction'? The spurned lover becomes every man's nightmare as she unleashes a storm of violence on Michael Douglas and his family.

The Never-Say-Die Stalkers: Usually the thwarted ones - of the opposite sex who believe they have a right on you. They'll hound you for dates, send you flowers, and call you a hundred times. You refuse them, they'll ask you again. You ignore them, they'll accelerate the pursuit. Most of these stalkers are erotomanic. They believe that you are in love with them and take any reaction from you - even a negative one - as a sign of encouragement.

They're confident that some day, you will submit to their love and thus they dedicate all their time to one project - you. They believe they love you and are convinced that you do too, or at least owe them your love. After all, their life revolves around you, it's only fair that you return the favour.

They usually choose someone of a higher status, probably someone in the limelight, and carry on an one-sided relationship with them. If you set the cops on their trail, they will take it as a personal victory. Why? They think, you 'cared' enough and are 'thinking about them' enough to take these drastic steps. Shah Rukh Khan in 'Darr'and Urmilla in 'Pyar Tune Kya Kiya' strongly believed that the objects of their affections loved them but were being led astray by their families.

The Self-proclaimed Dudes: Or the 'stud muffins' - at least in their own minds. Their stalking stems from narcissism. They believe that women 'should' be attracted to them and cannot accept anything less. They're usually incompetent on the social dating scene and unlike the other kinds, aren't in love with you yet. They actually have a history of stalking people and change the object of their affections regularly.

The Vengeful Stalkers: They are convinced that you have wronged them in some way or might resent something you have that 'should be rightfully theirs' or might just dislike something about you. Your very existence bothers them. You might as well pay for it. Classic vengeful stalkers are ex-lovers, jealous colleagues, and disgruntled fans. They look for ways to harass you and may even threaten you. They usually back off if you bring the police into the picture as soon as possible.

The Stalkers-For-Thrills: This is a truly dangerous variety as they stalk with the intent to cause bodily harm, mostly sexual. These stalkers are usually men and have criminal records. The power trip that they experience after overpowering you usually gives them the 'high' they're looking for.

The Law Says...
We must first establish by examining all the facts if the act (of stalking) is coincidental, accidental or voluntary. If, after all this, it is found that the chaser is chasing the chased, not accidentally or coincidentally, but as a calculated or voluntary move then in legal terms, suspicion becomes strong suspicion which then becomes belief.

There are two types of offences - Cognisable (Serious) offences and Non cognisable (when the chaser hasn't caused any harm yet) offences.

If the Stalker is a stranger:
If a man is following you on the road but hasn't made any harmful move towards you, it is a cognisable offence. But if when you turn and ask him why he's following you or glare at him angrily, and he abuses you or makes a threatening gesture, then it becomes a cognisable offence under Section 504 and 506 of the Indian Penal Code. If he threatens bodily harm, it becomes an offence under Section 506 II, where a FIR can be filed.

If the stalker is a known person: Confront him. If he still keeps it up, you can tell him you have enough material against him and can take him to the police.

What you can do
Maintain a record of the number of times you have noticed him/her following you. The police will need all the evidence they can get.

If you get text messages on your mobile phone, the police can trace the number. Save the number and the messages.

Go to your local police station and file a report. The police will let the stalker know that he is under 'shadow of doubt' and that he is being watched. If it persists, the offence has become a cognisable one and the stalker can be arrested. Of course, if it is an SMS offence, the accused will be charged instantly and can be arrested for two years.
(Information courtesy advocate A Majeed Memon)

When does one know that the line between flirtation and obsession has been crossed?
"One just knows... it's an instinctive feeling; a tiny sliver of fear starts to develop, a nagging doubt that everything is not fine.
"There was a lawyer who had this stalker following him around. The stalker believed that the lawyer had wronged him in a case. He would be present at every talk the lawyer give and try and spoil it.
"The most classic stalker mindset is: 'I am concerned about you. I know what is good for you and can help you lead your life in a better manner.'
— Psychotherapist Dr Anjali Chhabria

How To Cope Emotionally
Stay in control of your feelings. Even if panic threatens to take over, always try and stay in control. Your losing your mental sanity will be your stalker's first victory.
Don't blame yourself - remember the warped mind of another human being is NOT your fault.
Don't confront the stalker yourself. Let others around you (parents, guardians, close friends) deal with it. There is no greater high in a stalker's life than when you react to something they did. When someone from your side intervenes, it sends the stalker a clear message: You are not alone in this.

Never, ever show fear. Don't give him the satisfaction of having wrecked your peace of mind. Be strong. Feel that strength from within, don't just pretend it.

Tech (S)talk
What is that one thing that one hides behind when making a new friend on the Net? Anonymity. You don't know who's beyond the screen, you don't know whether they are who they say they are. They may be lying about every single thing they've told you; the fact is, you don't know. And this is the very thing that cyber stalkers thrive on.

A little conversation, a little information and wham! Before you know it, say hello to your new cyber tail. But it's not like you've given them your number or address or anything, you think. Honey, they don't need it. If they can't find what they're looking for by hacking into your computer (which they can easily do, by the way... softwares are being sold illegally especially for this purpose), then they'll rely on the bits and pieces of information you've given away unknowingly during your conversations... 'Oh, that theatre is so close to my house', or 'Hey now that a Pizza Hut has opened just below my house, I am going to be stuffing my face all the time!' You even put those nauseatingly cute smiley icons next to your sentences, unaware that your 'friend' is taking notes.

A Victim's Story
Sanjay (name changed) and I started hanging out together when I was living alone in Mumbai. He came across as a sweet, caring guy with an easy-going attitude, quite ironic now when I think of it. He was based in Pune and I started spending many more weekends in Pune. It wasn't a serious relationship, we would go for movies, talk on the phone sometimes, that's about it. I realised it wasn't going to work out and I was not interested in pursuing something that had no future. I told him so - which was simple as we weren't committed; we were hardly even dating. Though he seemed disappointed, he agreed.

All was fine till I started seeing this other guy. Sanjay called one night when I was out with him. That was the first time I sensed an edge in his voice as he asked who I was with and why I was out so late with him. I told him it wasn't any of his business and hung up. And then it began. Calls at odd hours, abuses on the phone, character assassinations, the works. I stopped taking his calls. So he started calling at work.

I had no choice but to listen in silence while he ranted as I couldn't raise my voice nor could I hang up because he would just call again. He showed up outside my door one day and kept banging on it when I refused to open it. I was scared and alone and had no idea what to do. So I called my friend up and asked her to stay with me. He would stand below my house all the time and keep staring at me whenever I walked past. I made sure I never ventured out alone. Once he tried to stop me, but I refused to show fear and told him to go to hell.

Yet he had so got under my skin that I was beginning to lose my appetite, wasn't sleeping well and couldn't concentrate on my work. But the horror had only just begun. One day, I was alone at home and he pushed himself inside - the door was not shut properly.

I don't remember a time when I've been more afraid. He got down on his knees and begged and pleaded for me to understand him and asked me why I was behaving the way I was. We were both yelling loudly. He threatened to kill himself. That shook me and I begged him to leave then and promised to talk to him later.

By some miracle he left. I spent that night in a state of hysteria - shivering in a corner and crying like I would never stop. But along with that desperation came a stubborn will and a rage that I didn't know I was capable of. Who the hell did he think he was? How dare he take over my life? And that's when I decided that enough was bloody enough!

The next day I was going home. I hadn't seen my parents for a year and I needed to get away from this madness. Two hours before I left, he pushed his way into the house (yes, we realised the door was faulty later). When I saw him inside my house once more, a quiet determination came over me. I ignored his presence.

He repeated his threat to end his life. I told him quietly that he could go right ahead. He took a knife from the shelf and started slashing his palms. I was horrified but refused to show any emotion. There was blood spilling on the floor and he reached out and took my hand. I almost gagged at the horror of his blood on me but willed myself to remember how he had wrecked my life. It worked.

When I raised my eyes to his, there was no pity in them. He knew he had lost the game. I went to the door, picked up my luggage and left. That was the last I saw of him.

The Solution To Cyber Stalking
Though the Information Technology Act, 2000, is an encouraging beginning to stop cyber crime, it still leaves a lot to be desired as far as cyber stalking goes.

Says Inspector Narkar, Cyber Crime Investigation Cell, Mumbai, "If we get hold of the computer's IP address (which is like a signature for a computer) through obscene mails and the like, it's easy to nab the stalkers.

But such evidence is rare and because some servers have their base abroad (Hotmail, Yahoo) precious time is lost in coordinating the addresses and finding the guilty party."
"Our bane is cyber cafes. The owners are not legally required to maintain a record of the people who use the computers. So anyone can walk in, hire the comp for an hour and misuse cyber space as much as he/she desires and walk away. There's nothing we can do in those cases."

Cyber Safety
• Keep your password alphanumeric.
• Change your password frequently and don't keep it obvious.
• Don't exchange personal information.
• Don't open attachments from strange email IDs.
• When sending forwards, put all e-mail addresses into the BCC (blind carbon copy) field so not everyone can get everyone else's email addresses.
• Don't send out your picture. You have no idea what some sickos will do with it (read: Your picture + Photoshop = porn + blackmail).
• The minute the conversation seems inappropriate, leave. Don't worry about being rude; you don't owe anyone anything.
• Never agree to meet a friend you met on the Net alone. Take someone - even better - tell your parents.