Does your mom drive you mad? Here, from international experts, how to improve your relationship with your mother...

NAVIGATING your way through an adult relationship with your mother is tricky because most of us have maternal issues more complicated than a spider's web. But whether your mom is hard to please or more needy than your kids (or man!), here's how to create a happier, healthier bond:

When Your Mom Is Over-Critical...
"My mom finds my clothes too dull; and the orange and yellow on my walls too gaudy!" says Malini Rajendran, a 29-year-old journalist and a veteran of many arguments. "She doesn't like any of my friends, and she's very resentful of the fact that I think them more important than extended family. She says I'm too choosy about my food, and contradictorily, don't know how to appreciate good food."

Having a critical mother, as Malini has discovered, is not only distressing, but can end up permanently damaging a mother-daughter relationship. "This is unsurprising if the only communication you have is a constant flow of criticism and rebuttal," says counsellor Leah Harvey. "Eventually, there's no talking - just two people stuck in opposite corners."

Make It Better: Maternal criticism often occurs when mothers have trouble seeing their daughters as individuals who make different life choices. The key to dealing with this is never to assume that she's right and you're wrong, says life coach Steve Errey. To avoid feeling hurt by her feedback, Steve suggests setting clear boundaries. Explain that her criticism can be hurtful. "Lots of us feel that we don't have the right to do this, but our mothers can take it. Sometimes, they simply need to know exactly how far they can go and why."

When Your Mom Is Competitive...
"Somehow my mother manages to bring every conversation back to herself," says Maya, 30. "If I'm unwell, she's near death's door; if I've lost three kilos, she's lost 10! It's infuriating"

The real problem isn't the competition, but the feeling that she's too absorbed in herself to support you. "Mothers who are competitive tend to feel they're being supportive by showing they're in the same boat, but most daughters would prefer it if their mothers were on the shoreline!" explains Leah.

It's often to do with how you viewed your mum when you were growing up. If you saw her as Superwoman and put her on a pedestal, you probably don't want to know she's suffering like you do. "Which is why," says Steve, "it can help to acknowledge your mother as a 'real' person, by listening to her for a change."
Make It Better: It's worth remembering that your mum's competitiveness could be a result of loneliness. Or maybe she's a bit jealous of your lifestyle and some of the things you've achieved. So listening to her not only helps create a deeper and more satisfying relationship, but also helps erase the competitiveness, as neither of you ends up feeling misunderstood or ignored.

When Your Mom Is Interfering...
"My mother manages to be both interfering and childish at the same time," says Hanifa, 25. If your mum can't stop interfering, it's likely she's suffering from mother-knows-best syndrome.

Make It Better: To stop the conflict, you need to regain your power. "The way to do this," says Steve, "is to realise that her interference isn't actually about your decisions but her attitude, which means you're entitled to say how you feel when she crosses the line."

However, when setting boundaries, tact is essential as it pays to preserve the positive side of your relationship. After all, most mothers are interfering not because they want to make you miserable, but because they want the best for you.


When Your Mom Treats You Like A Child...
"Sometimes, I want to ask my mom how old she thinks I am," raves Komala Satyan, a 28-year-old software engineer. "She certainly doesn't respect my decisions, doesn't think I'm particular enough about things (she's a perfectionist)... The fact that I'm an accomplished professional seems to count for nothing - in her eyes, I need her help to keep my life in order."

"Mothers who over-parent tend to have separation issues," says Leah. Deal with this by looking at how you're trying to claim your independence. If you're still rebelling like a teenager, it's time to call a truce.

Make It Better: "To get your mum to take you seriously, confront issues in an adult way," Leah suggests. "Explain the problems and propose solutions, remembering that clashes over lifestyles are solved not by proving her wrong but by showing her why you're taking a different path."

Steve agrees. "Mothers who won't let go tend to hang on because they fear losing you. Get your mum to back off by showing her that being an adult doesn't mean you're moving away from her, simply that you need her support in a more grown-up way."

Ever Noticed How...
Easy it is to become your mom - how you can just acquire her critical streak, her penny-pinching nature, her checking-the-door-six- times-before-leaving-the-building habit?

You never really appreciated her cooking when you were at home? No, this does not apply only to mamma's boys!

When you finally fly the coop, you realise that she actually does love you as much as your sibling.
You miss your mom like crazy when you're sick?

She can drive you mad, but you'll never stop loving your mom.

Off-Screen...
Famous moms and daughters who have kissed/made up...
• Demi Moore had a feud with her mother Virginia, who recreated a naked version of Demi's potter's wheel scene in 'Ghost' for a men's magazine. The pair reconciled just before Virginia died.
• Jennifer Aniston and mother Nancy stopped speaking after Nancy gave an unflattering interview about Jen on TV. She also wrote a book called from Mother And Daughter To Friends'. She wasn't invited to Brad and Jen's nuptials.
• Hema Malini never went far without her 'amma' on the sets, and Aishwarya's mom, Vrinda, was a constant companion in the early days...

Great Mommy Movies To Watch Together
'Stepmom' - This one's at the top of our list. Susan Sarandon plays a dying mom, who must hand over her kids to their new stepmom, played by Julia Roberts... Just the star cast makes it worth watching...

'Freaky Friday' (right) - Mom Jamie Lee Curtis and daughter Lindsay Lohan are inadvertently put into each other's shoes... great fun, we promise...

'Heartbreakers' - Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt play mom-and-daughter conwomen who work at taking guys on a happy ride... towards marriage and a nice settlement if possible...