Is there an easy way to talk to your kids about the big 'S'? There is, says Dr Nandita de Souza

PARENTS today cannot afford to ignore the importance of providing regular and accurate guidance about sex and sexuality to their children. Often child sexual abuse, HIV/AIDS and teenage pregnancies can be forestalled by factual information, open communication and imparting of values related to sexuality. And parental involvement is crucial.

Children are naturally curious beings and demand information about everything that happens around them. Unfortunately, this does not last forever and they stop asking questions once they are teenagers. It becomes very difficult for parents to start talking at this stage if the lines of open communication have not been laid down in early childhood. If parents do not give information, kids will get it anyhow, often from undesirable and erroneous sources.

Of course, one has to distinguish between sexual facts and values related to sexuality. Facts are indisputable and universal whereas values differ between families, societies and cultures. Parents are the best people to provide values.

Sex education is more than just knowing about sexual intercourse; it involves understanding who we are as men and women, experiencing love and affection through relationships with our carers and significant others, learning about our bodies and reproduction, evaluating the sexual messages that society and the media give us, and making sensible decisions. Talking about sex does not encourage sexual interest or experimentation. In fact, research has shown that it is lack of information that is more likely to result in sexually risky behaviour or abuse.

Deciding The Right Time
Sexuality education starts at birth. We are all sexual beings from the moment of conception. Children start exploring their own bodies and learn that different parts produce different (and pleasurable!) sensations very early. The earliest lessons begin while changing your baby's nappies, when you give correct names for the genitals or private parts. Do not wait for the children to ask - some of them never will.

Sexuality education is not just a one-off lecture. It occurs throughout the child's life. Look for "teachable moments", times when life will give you the opportunity to talk about matters related to sexuality. For example, a neighbour's pregnancy can be the time to talk to your three-year-old about where babies come from. An ad for sanitary pads can be the start of a conver-sation with your nine-year-old about menstru-ation; a news item about HIV could introduce the topic of safe sex with your teenager.

Follow the three-step method when your child asks you a question directly: Step 1: Find out what the child knows. Step 2: Correct misinfor-mation and provide accurate facts. Step 3: Impart your family values. For example, if your nine-year-old daughter asks

"Mommy, can a girl and boy have a baby if they kiss each other?", first ask her what she thinks. Next, correct misinformation with "No, kissing does not result in a baby. A baby is made when two grown-up people make love. This is also called intercourse..." You can then state your value. "In our family, we believe that babies should be made only when the man and the woman are married." You know your child best, so judge the right age for each revelation.

If you do not know the answer, admit this and say that you will find out. Remember to get back to your child with the correct information. With older children, you can look for the answer together from a book or any reliable source. If you feel embarrassed, be honest and tell your child that you find it hard to talk about the topic, but that the issue is important. In all our efforts to make children aware and keep them safe, we should not forget to talk about the joys of sexuality too, so that our children do not feel ashamed and guilty about their bodies and gender.

Talk To Them About Abuse Too
Education about sexual abuse has to start early since an increasing number of very young children are left in the care of others, including family members. Children must know the correct names for their body parts. They should be told that the parts of the body that are covered by underwear or a swimming costume are called the private parts.

Emphasise that no one can touch their private parts without their permission. This is a "bad touch". It is also not correct for them to touch the private parts of any other person, even if asked. Tell children that they must say "No" to any touch that makes them feel uncomfortable.

Parents can role-play situations where children should say "No", as this will increase the child's awareness and confidence. Inform children that they should come and tell a parent or a trusted adult about any incidents that worry or frighten them, even if they are asked to keep a "secret", threatened not to tell, or told that they will be blamed for it. Lastly, repeat these instructions from time to time, using teachable moments.

It's Your Call
Parents have the responsibility and opportunity to educate their children and help them understand that sexuality is a natural and wonderful part of life! This can happen when parents simplify their explanations, impart their values, and accept their child's sexuality as a significant part of growth and development.

What To Talk About When
• Infancy: Correct names for body parts
• Preschool: Sexual safety, how boys and girls are different, where babies come from (birth)
• School age (6 to 9 years): How babies are made (sexual intercourse), check use of rude words
• Older children (9 to 12 years): Puberty - physical changes, sexual feelings, ejaculation and wet dreams, menstruation, homosexuality
• Teenagers: Safe sex, STDs, premarital sex, contraception, pornography

5 Messages To Your Child
• Your body belongs to you
• You have a right to say "No"
• Tell me if you feel uncomfortable about anything
• It is never your fault if someone hurts you
• You have a right to be protected