A haircut, a shopping spree or getting laid - what would you choose to feel good again? Ruchira Bose finds more women opt for a bit of sexual healing

Ah! It's time for another radical haircut. A broken heart always leads me straight to the salon. Not so for some women though. As I sit on my stylist's chair picking out a new look, a new colour (and perhaps a new me) from the pages of a glossy French mag, I overhear a conversation between two women getting manicured.

"I've known Jinns for years now - remember 'When Harry Met Sally'? Well, that's us - almost. Anyway, we're good friends, and whenever either of us is feeling awful, we just... you know... snog. I'm telling you, Archu, it's 100 per cent guilt-free and doesn't bust the bank!"

Like Carrie Bradshaw from 'Sex And The City', I start to wonder, 'Is sex the latest Prozac?'

Good For Me
"Sex can be a wonderful reason to keep going when everything else seems bleak," says psychologist Maithili Raghavan. "It can be a way of connecting with someone we love, of giving our bodies attention, of relaxing, even of mild exercise. It's good for fatigue and excellent for pain relief. And there really is no harm if we define sex not as intercourse, but as physical contact for the purpose of sharing intimacy and pleasure - sex doesn't always have to mean penetrative sex," she adds.

Dr Aiswarya, a Chennai-based paediatrician who holds sex education sessions for adolescents in schools and colleges and works with transsexuals, commercial sex workers, women with disabilities and HIV-positive people, says, "I can tell you with complete authority that women who suffer from disabilities and are sexually active, overcome their inhibitions easily and enjoy a good sex life whether they are in a marriage or outside a marriage. Sexual healing is helpful in that it allows them to affirm their belief in themselves and it works magic for them. A safe and healthy sex life allows you to enjoy any activity to the fullest, but this is not the only factor. It can also be therapeutic to some extent psychologically."

I remember the conversation I trespassed in the salon, "The most wonderful thing about having sex when you're feeling like shit is that you're reminded that you're beautiful, sexy, can drive someone crazy in seconds, and you don't have to do their laundry later."

The Doctor Is In
"Sex can be therapeutic, as long as it doesn't become compulsive. You have to be aware that when desires become irrepressible, needs get unquenchable and behaviour gets uncontrollable, and if you add guilt to the whole situation, you're heading for a worse state of mind," says sexologist Dr Prakash Kothari.

"Satisfaction is more important than actual intercourse. Sex is an art and is most effective and enjoyable when it's in a safe environment - that means a good relationship. There should be bonding and not binding," he adds.

Getting Excited?
Foot rubs, neck rubs, holding hands, and hugging should feel like safe ways to start enjoy physical pleasure without guilt.
Popular books might give you some impetus to try and ways to get aroused.
A sex therapist may also have some good ideas.
A healing touch may be all you need, so go for a nice long massage.

• Know yourself - Does the situation 'feel right'? Do you really trust those feelings?
• Know your would-be partner - How well do you know the person you are thinking of being with? Do you care for him and trust him?
• Know your reasons - Whatever your reason, be sure about it.
• Know the risks - Heart break, regret, pregnancy, STDs and HIV (AIDS) can all happen the first time you have sex.
• Know how to protect yourself - Condoms with spermicide are the best protection for sexually-active women. The Pill only protects against pregnancy.
• You CANNOT get pregnant through oral or anal sex, but you can get STDs.
• Sex is not bad, dirty or wrong, but it is a BIG step to take. If you can't be mature about protecting yourself from risks, you shouldn't be 'doing it'. Some sexual risks are emotional.

Worry Wart
Should you sleep with him on the first date? No. Sex on the first date gives a false sense of intimacy. It really is a stupid thing to do!

Will you come across as a slut if you sleep with him before marriage?
If he's the sort who thinks a sexually-active, unmarried woman is a slut but a sexually-active, unmarried man isn't, then you're with the wrong guy (unless you like pigs, of course). Talk before you make love. Get his views. Share yours with him. Also, avoid this scene: You've just had sex and you ask him, "So darling, when are we getting married?" You might as well give him a parachute he can use to escape from your bedroom window. Making love with someone is for many women, an expression of commitment. If getting married (in the near or distant future) to the man you have a sexual relationship is important, let him know that before you plunge into one.

Will it hurt the first time?
It doesn't have to. For many, who are athletic and do a lot of biking or horse riding, it's known to not hurt at all. Still, try to relax, breath and go slow. Ideally, you should be using a highly-lubricated condom - which should make it easier. The more relaxed and at ease you are, the less it hurts the first time. If you and your partner truly care for each other and he is gentle and understanding and will go slowly, you'll be fine. Communication is key - if it hurts and you say 'stop' or 'slow down,' your partner must listen to you and respect your wishes.

Will you lose him if you say 'no'?
If he doesn't respect the fact that you may not feel ready to have sex with him, he's not worth it. Really. You can be honest, and say that if he feels such a great need for sex then perhaps he should be in a relationship with someone who is also ready to have a sexual relationship. Since you're not, you can't continue with him. Although, it's not as if you are going to be celibate forever, he can wait for when you are ready. Sometimes, it's not that you aren't ready, but it's just that you do not feel the comfort level with that particular person. Be self-aware and honest with yourself.

We know it's hard to let go but remember that having sex does not guarantee that your relationship will last. Building intimacy based on communication and mutual respect gives your relationship a better chance of survival. So don't do it just to hold on to him. Imagine the hurt you may feel if it doesn't work out despite your sleeping with him.

Ensure Contraception
f you're planning to be sexually active, visit a gynaecologist and ask about a birth control pill that will best suit you. Find out about the emergency contraceptive pill ('the morning-after pill') and the nearest centre where you can get an HIV test done.

If you're in a relationship that you think is likely to get sexual, get onto the pill as soon as you can (usually you start on the fifth day of your period). For optimal effect, you should start your pill a month before you plan to get sexually active.

Even once you're clear of HIV, try to always use a condom. If he refuses to use one, don't do it. It's like ensuring the purity of your drinking water when there's an epidemic of plague going on. You can't take a chance.

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