The horny state of mind may not be the best time to take this decision. So, before you get ‘in the heat of the moment’, think about the risks and responsibilities of a sexually-active life, says Ruchira Bose

Physically, if you’re over 14, you’re ready. But don’t let your mother read this! First, you have to drill into your head that no matter what Sushma Swaraj or Vandana Shiva or Gloria Steinem say, it is your body and therefore, your decision.

Often women are given the message that waiting to become sexually involved with a lover is a sign of your virtue. Sexuality is a natural and healthy part of being human, and expressing that part of yourself is perfectly okay if you are an adult (read above 18).

Your sexuality belongs to you; you have the right and responsibility to choose when, how and whether to express it as an informed adult, when you are ready to do so. If you feel unsure, then your mind, heart and/or body is giving you a signal to slow down or take the first exit off this highway. Follow your instincts. Meanwhile, enjoy the evolving friendship and feel all of your feelings. Don't rush and don’t pressure yourself. Be you!

At A Glance
• Know yourself — Does the situation ‘feel right’? Do you really trust those feelings?
• Know your would-be partner — How well do you know the person you are thinking of being with? Do you care for him and trust him?
• Know your reasons — Whatever your reason, be sure about it.
• Know the risks — Heart break, regret, pregnancy, STDs and HIV (AIDS) can all happen the first time you have sex.
• Know how to protect yourself — Condoms with spermicide are the best protection for sexually-active women. The Pill only protects against pregnancy.
• You CANNOT get pregnant through oral or anal sex, but you can get STDs.
• Sex is not bad, dirty or wrong,

Worry Wart
Should you sleep with him on the first date?
No. Sex on the first date gives a false sense of intimacy. It really is a stupid thing to do!

Will you come across as a slut if you sleep with him before marriage?
If he’s the sort who thinks a sexually-active, unmarried woman is a slut but a sexually-active, unmarried man isn’t, then you’re with the wrong guy (unless you like pigs, of course). Talk before you make love. Get his views. Share yours with him.
Also, avoid this scene: You’ve just had sex and you ask him, “So darling, when are we getting married?” You might as well give him a parachute he can use to escape from your bedroom window. Making love with someone is for many women, an expression of commitment. If getting married (in the near or distant future) to the man you have a sexual relationship is important, let him know that before you plunge into one.

Will it hurt the first time?
It doesn’t have to. For many, who are athletic and do a lot of biking or horse riding, it’s known to not hurt at all. Still, try to relax, breath and go slow. Ideally, you should be using a highly-lubricated condom — which should make it easier. The more relaxed and at ease you are, the less it hurts the first time. If you and your partner truly care for each other and he is gentle and understanding and will go slowly, you’ll be fine.

Communication is key — if it hurts and you say ‘stop’ or ‘slow down,’ your partner must listen to you and respect your wishes.

Will you lose him if you say ‘no’?
If he doesn’t respect the fact that you may not feel ready to have sex with him, he’s not worth it. Really. You can be honest, and say that if he feels such a great need for sex then perhaps he should be in a relationship with someone who is also ready to have a sexual relationship. Since you’re not, you can’t continue with him. Although, it’s not as if you are going to be celibate forever, he can wait for when you are ready. Sometimes, it’s not that you aren’t ready, but it’s just that you do not feel the comfort level with that particular person. Be self-aware and honest with yourself.

We know it’s hard to let go but remember that having sex does not guarantee that your relationship will last. Building intimacy based on communication and mutual respect gives your relationship a better chance of survival. So don’t do it just to hold on to him. Imagine the hurt you may feel if it doesn’t work out despite your sleeping with him.

Ensure Contraception
If you’re planning to be sexually active, visit a gynaecologist and ask about a birth control pill that will best suit you. Find out about the emergency contraceptive pill (‘the morning-after pill’) and the nearest centre where you can get an HIV test done.

If you’re in a relationship that you think is likely to get sexual, get onto the pill as soon as you can (usually you start on the fifth day of your period). For optimal effect, you should start your pill a month before you plan to get sexually active.

Even once you’re clear of HIV, try to always use a condom. If he refuses to use one, don’t do it. It’s like ensuring the purity of your drinking water when

Is it time?
If you do want to go all the way, when in the relationship should you? People who care about and trust each other become intimate. But sex is just one part of a whole relationship. How about the other aspects? Answer these questions for yourself:
• Do we treat each other as equals?
• Are we honest with each other?
• Do we respect each other's needs and feelings?
• Do we share interests and values?
• Do we have fun together?
• Are we ready to protect each other?
• Do both of us accept responsibility for what we do?
• Will having sex make me feel differently about myself? If so, how?
• How might my feelings about my partner change?
• Will I expect more commitment from him? What if I don't get it?
• What if having sex ends our relationship?
• What if it changes my relationship with my family and friends?

If you understand and can accept the emotional risks of having sex, you may be ready. Build intimacy — share a little of each other’s fears, desires, sources of happiness before you start

Be Smart! Take The HIV Test
• Each day, 16,000 people are newly infected with HIV.
• Fifty per cent of those are between the ages of 10 and 24.
• India has the highest number of HIV cases in the world (almost five million) insist on an HIV test for both of you before you start your sexual life. It doesn’t mean you’ve been a prostitute, or that you don’t trust him. AIDS is far too much of a reality today for us to take even the slightest chance.