april 01 - 15, 2002 issue
do those who only stand and stare really serve?
are there days when you wake up and wonder what it is specifically that you are doing here on earth?

i mean, yes, we all do the done things we are cut out to do. we study for degrees, do courses, marry, bring up our children, hopefully in the right way, we work or follow careers with sincerity... but do you, as i do sometimes, wonder where it all leads?
what, at the end of a long life, when you have done all this and more, will you look back on? what will you feel? joy? contentment? or that there are things left undone?

and regardless of that overwhelming feeling, whatever it is, will you wonder why you had to live that life after all?
wondering

it is true. it happens. when everything is going smoothly and you are as focused as a caterpillar walking up a leaf, pow, you stop in your tracks, you look around and you wonder, uh, what exactly is it that i am doing?
sometimes, nothing seems to hold meaning. the happiness you seek - is it spelt out in wealth, in health, in loved ones being around? or in the lack of unhappiness? the power that you wield, is it anything at all? does the power a teacher wields over her students, a dictator over his subjects, a mother over her children, or a corporate head over lesser employees... does it really amount to much? and what does that intangible sense of power really give in the long run? a feeling of achievement? a feeling of being in charge?

all it takes is one sweeping bout of change, a wave of destiny's hand, or just the inevitable, unstoppable passage of time to whisk away the pedestal, to bring one crashing to ground level, where if one is lucky, one will not get stepped upon.
greed or need?

the riches we amass. a house, another house, if we can manage it, cars or whatever, gold, jewellery both stylish and good investments... what do they all amount to? why does brother fight brother, child fight parent? why do families break up, even as there are examples galore that all the wealth in the world cannot stop the hand of sickness and that death will divest one of all the gleam and glitter that dazzles the less bestowed?

whether we have little or much, we crave more. want more, and work insidiously, incessantly, to make sure we get more. all of us are guilty of this... only the very austere ascetic who has worked hard at casting away want, lives a life that is not overcast with the clouds of always wanting more. and of them, even among those who have renounced the world, there are too, too few.
doubts
where does it all lead us? if we die young, life is gone without our really having been able to sit back and enjoy it. if we live to a grand old age, we are by then too caught up with the regret over things that have passed us, the health, the vigour, the ability to enjoy life for itself, to be able to enjoy what we think is ours.

thinking these thoughts, i stopped in my tracks, not tasting my food, not hearing the words i spoke. not able to write or wanting to read... what, what, what, i wanted to know, was life all about? what was my reason for being? was there one at all?

then, someone sent me a bunch of flowers. bright happy colours, a sunny sunflower, soft lilac gerberas, delicate white ladies lace... all ensconced prettily in brilliant green leaves bursting with health. and i got one answer.
perhaps...

that if the flowers can smile as happily as they did on the stem, if the stars can shine quietly and without question and never know if their light did indeed guide a ship to safety... why then is my rather temporary, insignificant self wondering about my reason for being?

maybe the reason is too great for me to know, maybe it is beyond my understanding. and all i can do is to hope somehow, somewhere, if i live life right, the reason will find its own fulfilment.

and i would not have lived in vain.
editor, sathya saran
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