Consider this scenario. You go to a hairdresser and get the latest cut done. You look great. The next morning you are in the best of your attire looking fabulous with your new hair cut and you step into your office with great confidence thinking, “I look younger than before, I’m sure people will notice and compliment me.” Suddenly you find one of your colleagues staring at you. She frowns and says, “Oh! My God, what have you done? You cut your hair, why did you have to do that?” And there goes your self-esteem down in the dumps making you feel terrible. You want to go back home, remain in hiding until your hair grows back. Sound familiar?

The Name Of The Game
Be it the ultra-thin models, or the ‘Super’ working women, self-esteem is the name of the game. It’s not just feeling good about yourself or taking pride in your achievements or even what you see in the mirror. Self-esteem is the way we judge our own worth. It is your inner consciousness that determines most of the things in your life. It is your approval and disapproval of you, the degree to which you feel, think and believe yourself to be capable, defining how you relate to yourself.

The Men-Women Equation
“Appearances matter most to women. Also, women care more for others’ opinions. But it all depends on who’s saying it,” says Aditi Vaze, a clinical psychologist working at the Growth Centre India Pvt Ltd, Mumbai. “If the comment comes from a person inherently more important to her, her self-esteem gets damaged. But also, it all depends on her state of mind and her perception at the time. If she is in a good mood, her ego will obviously not get hurt,” she adds. Men are different. Basically men are more assertive than women, they have the confidence to initiate and maintain contact with people. Their self-confidence and higher self-esteem gives them several benefits. But a lack of self-esteem and lack of confidence in a man at times might cause him to fear rejection and this would then be detrimental for his psyche.

Me... My Own Enemy?
“For me it began when I was in college, there were girls who told me I looked stupid and that my dress sense was awful. I believed them. It didn’t matter that I did well at my studies and that my parents loved me and encouraged me and I even had a best friend who stuck by me for everything. My self-esteem remained at an all time low,” relates Manisha Lakhani, working as a sales woman at a city departmental store. “As a sales woman my job is to sell my products, but my confidence has faltered due to the constant criticism I was subjected to in college and my self-esteem has as good as withered away. I have stopped talking to people around me, I even dread lunch hour,” she reveals.

Studies have shown that low self-esteem does not necessarily lead to depression but the two often go hand in hand. In fact the World Health Organisation (WHO) uses low self-worth in its description of depression. Low self-esteem makes you your own worst enemy.

First Find Out Why
“Something that has happened in a woman’s life, especially during her teens or early adulthood, may remain at the back of her mind and may leave unforgettable nasty memories haunting her for a long time,” explains Aditi Vaze. “However, this can get balanced by helping her to create a positive self-image.” It is surprising how quickly we accept other people’s judgement and how deep our lack of faith in ourselves runs. “Women are more vocal about everything in life. So they give out their opinions easily,” says Dr Neena Sawant, Associate professor of Psychiatry at K E M Hospital, Mumbai. “On the other hand, we are somewhat insecure, especially about our looks and relationships. Also, we want everyone to pat our backs. Therefore we tend to give importance to others’ opinions. But why does every opinion matter? We have to set our limits and listen only to those people whom we think are close to us,” she concludes.

Go On, Help Yourself
Be positive and learn to develop confidence within yourself. It is important to trust yourself and more so to like yourself. Why? Because the world can become a scary place if you don’t. Remember, not everyone everywhere will agree with what you say and do. But go ahead with gusto and earn yourself that special feel good feeling.

Help yourself
•Try and develop a positive and an effective attitude.
• Be aware of your thoughts and feelings.
• Explore your negative feelings such as anger, frustration, nervousness, embarrassment, hostility, etc. and replace these with other good feelings or other thoughts.
• Increase your self-esteem by replacing negative thoughts with affirmations and positive suggestions.
• Keep your mind busy and keep yourself occupied with some work.
• Visualise and imagine that you are the best and that you are at your best.
• Have goals and be clear about what you wanted, have confidence in yourself.

In A Nutshell...
Self-esteem is the ability to look upon you as having value -- Dr. John Nemiah in his book Foundations of Psychopathology.

Women are insecure, especially about looks and relationships. They want a pat on the back from people. Therefore they tend to give importance to others’ opinions -- Dr Neena Sawant, Associate professor of Psychiatry at K E M Hospital, Mumbai.

Something that has happened in a woman’s life, especially during her teens or early adulthood, may remain at the back of her mind and may leave unforgettable nasty memories haunting her for a long time -- Aditi Vaze, a clinical psychologist working at the Growth Centre India Pvt. Ltd, Mumbai.