THE THIRD PERSON FACTOR Quite often, live-in relationships become unavoidable when one of the partners is married, but unable to get a divorce, or is in the process of getting one. Sometimes, it is of course, simply a case of “once bitten, twice shy”.
Aneesha Dasgupta and Pankaj Wadhwa of Delhi lived together for a year, before getting married six months ago. Pankaj was going through a divorce. After it came through, they decided to live together to check out whether they could handle seeing “each other in the morning!” as Aneesha puts it.
Aneesha came to Delhi from Pune. Pankaj made sure he met her parents before they moved in together. “They were not happy,” he recalls. But Aneesha clarifies, “From the perspective of practicality, it made sense to them because Delhi is not the safest place for a single girl.” And of course, it was tacitly understood that marriage was just a matter of time.
Now that it has come to be, “Marriage hasn’t made a difference, not an ounce,” says Aneesha emphatically, but admits that its legality has made social acceptance absolute. Social disapproval, however tacit, tips the scales further in favour of marriage. It may or may not change how a person feels about the other, but to many, respectability still counts.
THE DOWN SIDE The most nauseating facet of living in is the possibility that some cunning people may manipulate the situation to their own ends. One partner may be unceremoniously dumped by the user when his or her sell-by date comes up — for better prospects in terms of live-in partner, or even for a beneficial marriage.
And then, there are those live-in couples who pretend to be married, just to stay in the good books of society. And of course, those people who keep partners in live-in relationships while staying in comfortable marriages, promising the new partner marriage when “the divorce comes through”...
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTOR “Some people avoid marriage because of a fear of commitment,” explains Dr Nagaswami, “Perhaps they have witnessed unhappy marriages. But a person with a fear of commitment will have problems in any relationship.”
Adds Delhi counsellor Dr Sheila Panth, “Partners in live-in relationships, in an attempt to spare themselves hurt, seldom give themselves to one another completely.”
However, running away from commitment isn’t really a solution, as Dr Ahalya Raghuram, Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychology in Bangalore, points out, “A couple in a live-in relationship is specially vulnerable as the partners are under pressure to make the relationship work and also cope with an unsympathetic society and parental disapproval.”
Alienation from one’s family, coupled with the insecurity of the relationship, can play havoc with a person’s psyche. A woman in a live-in relationship who suddenly discovers she wants to marry, when the man does not, puts herself in a perilous position, as she unconsciously gives him the position of power. It can often be a bleak situation, as Delhi copywriter Reema admits, “I dread I may get up one morning and not find Mayank there.”
What’s Coming? Sifting through responses for this story, we came to the conclusion that while living in is certainly growing as a trend, it is not always the enviable situation it is made out to be. Often, it marks an interim period when the partners test the waters before the commitment of marriage, usually opting to tie the knot when pregnancy or the biological clock rears its head.
It also seems that Indian society is not yet totally comfortable with the idea of commitment without marriage, and this probably works to further imbue the relationship with insecurity and uncertainty. Not for us to judge the health of the relationship itself, but to all the couples who refused to speak to us — it doesn’t say much for your relationship.
With inputs from Madhuri Velegar K in Bangalore, Purabi Shridhar in Delhi, Ethel da Costa in Goa, Namita A Shrivastava in Hyderabad and Meenakshi Doctor in Madras.
The Legal Angle