Why do men control, dominate or own a woman in a relationship? By Swati Sucharita
Othello did it, (fatally), Devdas followed and now we have a Salman Khan flexing his muscles at his lady love. It was probably a case of reel life imitating real life when Aishwarya Rai, while enacting Paro, got a royal gash on the forehead from co-star Shah Rukh in Devdas ; now she has publicly admitted that Salman had “hurt her physically many times without leaving any marks...”
How does one explain macho-sadism, the tendency in men to control, dominate or own the woman in a relationship? Sometimes, it could happen the other way round, with gender roles getting reversed. Why do relationships turn violent?
V FOR VIOLENCE Bangalore-based writer and playwright Mahesh Dattani terms the recent Salman-Aishwarya episode “a typical example of co-dependency in relationships”. Mahesh, who has researched abusive relationships for his plays, feels that in the case of an abuser and abused, “both are victims of their own personal demons.
The male may feel the need to prove his machismo for whatever reason. Jealousy, possessiveness, sense of ownership or simply an affirmation of masculine traits. The female may feel a need to be loved, which is translated in some bizarre way as a need to be ‘owned’.”
In the Bimal Roy film, Devdas clearly establishes his sense of ownership by hitting Paro with a cane on her forehead, permanently disfiguring her beautiful face. “A male mark that tells the world ‘I have been here’,” as Dattani describes it. “Paro does not reciprocate by accepting being owned. She goes ahead with her arranged marriage.”
HE LOVES ME; SHE’S MINE According to Dattani, for women, the classic co-dependency line is: “It means he truly loves me.” For men, it is usually “She is mine. I can do what I want with her. Or I am a man, and big boys know how to keep their women. When two people with such perverted needs meet, the result is unhealthy.
Psychiatrist Dr Belinda Veigas Muller in Goa, believes that women can’t be happy in such relationships. “Women may tolerate being dominated or abused by men and may even find it satisfying. But they will not say, ‘I like it’, unless it is taken in the context of sexual sado-machoism games.”
BEHIND THE MASK Pyschiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh analyses such relationships thus: “Like water, our feelings trickle down through cracks and crevices, seeking out little pockets of neediness and neglect, the hairline fractures in our character usually hidden from public view,” he explains.
“In its icy, black depths dwell strange and twisted creatures, it’s best not to disturb. It is probably these that get someone like Ash to accept such abuse. The persona that is evident to the public eye is obviously not the real Ash, just something that she feels compelled to wear as a mask, probably because she herself would have invested so much emotionally to get this mask on in the first place.”
Encouraging violation by someone who loves you cannot be emotionally sound, but the victim perceives that benefits can be gained from it, feels Dr Muller.
* It can ensure control over the other by instilling guilt feelings in the violator — ‘See what you did to me’. * It can make the person feel like a martyr, self-righteous or virtuous — ‘See how bad he is and see how good I am’. * It could in sympathy and admiration from family, friends and acquaintances — ‘See what she puts up with’. * It can assuage guilt feelings that could be real but which are more often subconscious and false — ‘I deserve punishment’ and the punishment makes her feel less guilty and better.
Role Modelling