“Nirodh?” the man behind the counter is a bit perplexed. By now, he knows that I cannot be a sex addict or suffering from satyriasis since I have been asking for varieties and shapes. “Nirodh is now free. You might be able to get it free at a government outlet.”

Times Change
When I began my sexual life, there was only Nirodh (Rs 0.50) You bought it at the ‘paan-walla’, amid the ribaldry and good humour of the men collected there, hanging around to no useful purpose except to laugh at the trials of the young and the first-timer.

‘‘Haathgaadi chhod diya’?” asked one.
“‘Arre, abhi to Suzuki kya’?” asked another.

I fled and took the darned thing home to a tap and tested it by filling it with water (this was because there was a rumour that sadistic government employees used pins to defeat the purpose of the rubber, which in those days, was not to protect life, but to prevent it). Then I wrapped it in another plastic bag and disposed of it and the yellow-and-red outer covering by throwing them into a neighbour’s balcony.

Times change. Randomly dipping into my stash, I come up with Durex Feeling is Everything Superthin (Rs 50), six in a purple pack, which conducts the same test that we did. Inside the package, on the leaflet is the Durex assurance of quality. Airburst (?) and volume (?) tests, tensile tests and water tests too. I wonder if they use a tap...

The Durex Extrasafe (Rs 50) has a grey pack and a spermicide as well. It has the same leaflet within with the same admonitions, including one in capital letters: ‘Remember never to use a condom more than once’. There’s also a series of little pictures that shows you how to put one on, culminating in a panel that says: ‘Wrap the condom in a tissue and dispose of it hygienically (not down the toilet)’. This still begs the question of where and how to dispose of the blasted thing. I’ve never figured this one out. If you’re in your own home, you’re safe. You dump it in an ashtray (but not before the post-coital cigarette) and then scoop it all into the dustbin, camouflaged with peels or whatever comes to hand from breakfast. If you’re in her house, what then?

Lucky dip again. Durex Three Flavoured Condoms (Rs 25). The cover illustration seems to indicate that they might be fruit-based: Strawberries, bananas (uhm?) and oranges seem to be implicated. It might be argued that a conscientious writer might be required to taste them to check for flavours. It might be argued. Indeed, it might. I am not that conscientious.

Finally, Durex Shaped For A Better Fit Comfort (Rs 25), again three condoms which have “a better fit and feel during love-making”, same leaflet. Unrolled, they looked like they had been shaped in exactly the same manner as any other condoms.

While the TTK group — which makes Durex in India — seems to feel that implying a female presence will bring in the buyers, on the Kohinoor line of luxury condoms, they feel that a fit male and a fit female indulging in a little ear-biting might stimulate sales. Kohinoor Ignite The Passion Xtra Thin Luxury Condoms (Rs 30) are “gossamer thin” and “designed to make you feel like there is nothing between you and her and lets you get extra close when you need it most”. The pink condoms are recommended for those times when you “need to take your lovemaking to a new level of passion”. But why pink?

At one point, a condom maker put out a whole bunch of colours. I remember laughing about them with friends. If you want to pretend to be an Eskimo, wear blue. If you’re having sex with a vegetarian, go green. If your girl’s a Marxist, make it red. Like that. I think we need to consider what ‘pink’ is saying about Indian men. They would all like to be fair, I am sure. That dreadful stinky fairness cream sells as well to men as to women, I am sure. But do they want their di... I mean appendages... to be pink?

The Kohinoor Xtra Ribs “add an extra dimension to her pleasure, and will have her craving for more”. (The illustration has her nuzzling the man’s six-pack. Perhaps she craves more beer?) The Xtra Dots Luxury has “dots that are specially enhanced to help you take her to new heights of passion and ecstasy”. And perhaps of most interest, Kohinoor Xtra Time Condoms, which contain “a specially formulated lubricant (containing the active ingredient, Benzocaine) that will help you last longer”, are only available in packs of three and 10. Perhaps there is some kind of balance here, some marketing perspective that I have missed. Perhaps the marketing boffins felt that the extra time you take with the help of Benzocaine will mean that you won’t have sex quite as often. Our lives ARE much more rushed these days, no?

The Kama Sutra condom pack has 10 dotted condoms, the warning that no condom is 100 per cent effective and a package that needs a degree in mechanical engineering to get it back in shape again. They once brought out a nice little packet that had a sex tip. One suggested that you shouldn’t do su-su before you do-do. I tried it and what do you know? It worked. There was also a little dot-to-dot picture; it gave you a new position to experiment with. I did not think the doggie position was new, but well, you can’t have everything.

And More, And More... Ah
And since we live in a world that has now made pleasure into something of a business, there are now condoms (devised by a South Indian doctor who has been christened the Leonardo of Condoms) which can enhance your pleasure, there are joke condoms with faces drawn on them and which look like Superman, and even a restaurant called Cabbages and Condoms in Thailand. After you’ve eaten, they offer you a tray with a small notice that says: ‘We don’t serve mints, but feel free to take a condom’. Feel free but beware. Some of those condoms are flavoured like the durian, which smells to high heaven. Like bananas, the non-vegetal kind.
Have you covered all bases?

GOT COMMENTS OR QUESTIONS? E-MAIL US AT femina@timesgroup.com WITH ‘sexy now — condom-nation complex’ IN THE SUBJECT LINE