Intrepid traveller Jerry Pinto lists Ten Commandments for women travellers.
Author’s note: Patriarchy is dead and buried and not lamented. So please note that the following are by way of suggestions, recommendations, possible things you might think about doing the next time you travel.
By no means are they commandments. Would I dare? I do not have a long white flowing beard (it would get in the way of my gazpacho) and even if I did, I don’t think you would take me seriously.
Suggestion I THOU SHALT TRY TO REMEMBER THE WORLD IS ROUND “Can I go to London?” she asks the travel agent. “Yes ma’am,” says the travel agent, clicking away busily. “You would like to fly on?” “Via Toronto?” “Ma’am?” “I would like to fly to London via Toronto,” she says undaunted. “Ma’am,” the travel agent gasps. “You see I have friends in Toronto and in London. So I thought...”
The travel agent is looking for a map. He explains everything to her, where London is, where Toronto is, how airlines work, the Great Circles that airplanes follow, everything, everything, everything.
She nods. She has understood. “Which airline would you like, ma’am?” he asks. “The cheapest,” she replies. “That would be... Sri Lankan at Rs 23,000,” he says. “Does it fly via Toronto?” she asks. The travel agent throws himself out of the window.
Suggestion II THOU SHALT NOT TRY TO PACK FOR SOMEONE ELSE “If we put all your underclothes into your carry-on luggage, you should be able to fit your shoes into your suitcase and put the handkerchiefs into the hold-all,” she says.
He points out that if his luggage gets lost, he will have to walk around Switzerland in his underclothes.
“Not if you put one pair of trousers and one T-shirt into your hand-luggage too,” she ripostes and begins to do that. “That won’t leave any place for my reading material, my other spectacles and my shaving kit.” “I can’t see you shaving on the aeroplane.” “I need my shaving kit.” “You don’t.” “I do.” “You don’t.” (Repeat several adolescent times)
“Okay, so why do you need your shaving kit.” “It’s a gross reason.” “I bear you, don’t I?” “I warn you...” “Try me.” “I cut my nose hair in the airplane loo.” “Oh gross.” “It’s something to do.” “Okay, let’s begin again. If we put your shirts inside the hold-all...” “Suppose we just stuff all of it in together and forget about it?”
He is scalded by a look of mingled gender disgust and sympathy. He retreats and finds later that he has nothing to read on the plane. But he can cut his nose hair.
Suggestion III