Are you treating your man as an emotional dumping ground? How much unloading is too much? Shilpi Madan Kakkar and Nitya Alwani-Satyani count the ways...

You've had a lousy day.

It's complied with Murphy's law - everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did. Mentally reviewing the happenings at work, you snuggle up to him. He lowers his guard indulgently. And as if on cue, you start pouring out your angst. That involves everything - from the size of the potted plant on your desk to your boss' walrus-like moustache that prevents you from understanding anything he says to what your colleague had for lunch. Breathless at the end of your passionate revelation, you wait for his reaction. And after a long moment of shrieking silence, he blinks and grunts, "Hmm, that's tough..." and promptly rolls over and falls asleep.

Familiar terrain, this? You bet. Relax. And be fair. Take a long, hard look at the situation.

Agreed, you are tired, upset and disenchanted. You desperately need a shoulder to cry on, and someone to tell you that you are right and that tomorrow is another day. And he isn't listening, even when he says he is (with eyeballs glued to the TV as it brings into your bedroom another riveting episode of 'The Apprentice'). While it's all very well to share your problems with your partner and expect him to make the pain go away, you must practise some level of self-containment. For two reasons... one, you are an independent woman; you can and should take care of your troubles. And two, he has had a long (and probably difficult) day and is definitely not in the mood to listen to a sob story. Even if it is from you.

The Family Front

The kids driving you up the wall? Your son staged a mutiny over the imposed curfew hour? The dog pooped on your favourite slippers? Ma-in-law criticised the 'biryani' you made? No problem. Accept the fact that once in a while, you are going to have a really rough day. If you accept this reality, no glitch will ruffle your feathers to the extent that you carry the grouse to bed. Agreed, if you're a homemaker, you redefine the meaning of Human Resource Management. But remember, he works equally hard too. And puts up with colleagues' ire, the nitpicky boss and malfunctions at the office. That leaves both of you on an equal footing.

Sharing the happenings of the day is an important part of bonding. Cribbing isn't. And you are committing harakiri by bringing up the domestic accounts for narration in bed at every opportunity. Wrong place, wrong time. Try the breakfast table. Or a revised perspective. "He doesn't need to know everything," reasons Gayatri Sharma, housewife. "Considering he is out of the house for the better part of the day, his evaluation of the situation will be based on my account of the happenings. And even if and when he judges for himself, my narration will always be at the back of his mind."

Streamlining the emotional baggage you park on his head works well. "I speak to one of my girl friends. The empathy factor is high and that way I get around to only touching upon the issue during my conversation with my partner when he gets home."

Work Woes

The golden rule here is: Don't carry work home. That includes phone calls, files and sour experiences you'd rather forget. Understand the meaning of quality time. These are meant to be moments of togetherness when you do things together. Like a game of squash, trying out a new recipe or even shopping for essentials.

"When a woman tells a man about a problem, she does it out of a sense of sharing," says consultant psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chhabria. "Whereas when the man plays the listener, he looks for solutions that are mostly irrelevant to her. She just wants him to listen." The problem arises when he realises this and switches off partially. The woman feels rejected.

Parry verbally. If you must pour your heart out, look for tell tale signs that belie waning interest. If he interrupts and changes the topic, drift along. If he continues to blow circles of smoke, grit molars and change the subject yourself. Look for changes in his body language. By your whining about your co-worker, you lose him completely. He cares for you, not your colleagues. If you are deeply hurt and smarting from a sense of rejection, your better half will give you his rapt attention. "Men just sense the intensity of the situation," says Gayatri.

But be prepared to interpret his advice when you get it. Like he may suggest you quit your job, just because you keep cribbing about your workplace all the time. Don't jump to conclusions. This doesn't mean that he is averse to the idea of you having a career.

Mutual Miffs

He's rubbed you the wrong way. Let him know minus the cantankerous carp.

Talk, talk and talk, but time it right.

Don't expect apologies on an empty stomach or as soon as he comes home. And remember, men and women deal with situations differently. When a man has a problem, he prefers to go into a shell to mull over the situation and come to a solution. We women are different creatures.

We need to think aloud, recount events and analyse emotions.

Just talking about the situation is therapeutic for us.

You assert. He says you overreact. You demand undivided attention. He cares for you and listens, partially.

But you both still stay together.

Because opposites attract. In some ways, at least.

Tips To Tango

• Tell him you want him to only listen. You don't expect him to engineer a solution. Just listen.

• Mention what's bothering you, first. By dwelling on redundant details, you lose him completely.

• Make him a cup of steaming coffee. He's happy. And chances are, more attentive.

• If he offers solutions, hear him out. You'll wound his ego by scoffing at them.

• Should he tell you to drop the subject, drop it. There's no point in pushing. You'll only push him out.

• Respect when he really wants to be left alone and needs his space. We all have our mood swings.

• Lighten up. If you catch him not listening to you, look at the brighter side. At least you got your chance to vent. So what if it all went unheard? It made you feel better, didn't it?

• Tell him you want him to hug you tight. It means that he supports you implicitly.