You
find out that the "love of your life" is a cheating scumbag and dump him
ceremoniously by the kerb, or perhaps a group therapy session awakens you to the
fact that you've been a victim of emotional abuse, or maybe...he dumps you. In
an effort to put yourself back in the dating loop, you go to a single's bar and
bump into the creep. Since you are both adults and perfectly capable of being
friends, you have a civil conversation. Drink leads to drink, civil conversation
to reminiscing, and you suddenly find yourself feeling comfortable in the scary
single's bar. The next morning, you roll over to find him snoring next to you.
Sounds familiar?
If
you've ever slept with an ex, you're not alone. It's only natural to crave the
familiarity you spent so long achieving. Sleeping with your ex may not
necessarily be terrible; you just have to be able to keep things in perspective.
For most of us, though, it is near impossible to cosy up with a former partner
without the emotional tangles. So why do we do it?
Syndrome
1: Anything Is Better Than Nothing
This
usually happens when you're the one dropped on the corner where heartbreak and
singledom meet. You suddenly find yourself without the emotional support your
partner provided you with, so you set up house firmly on the kerb with no
intention of moving. "When one breaks up, the hardest part is to make a clean
emotional break because it is pretty much analogous to mourning the demise of
the relationship," explains psychologist Vijay Nagaswami. "When the break-up
occurs suddenly or over a short period of time (as opposed to the long-drawn out
-we're-on-now-we're-off type of break-ups) people often feel unprepared to
handle its consequences. So in order to establish some form of continuity
between past and present, they engage in brief, intense dalliances with the
ex."
Syndrome
2: I'm Hoping We Will Get Back Together
The
little fairy called Hope escaped from the bottom of Pandora's box and is now
whizzing around your head at top speed. Too often, people believe that sleeping
with an ex-partner will keep them together through what they hope is an interim
period of separation. What happens most often is that your ex-partner realises
he can have his cake and eat it too - so all you end up being is the interim
person.
Dr
Nagaswami has another take on the broke-up-but-still-wants-sex scenario. He
believes that sleeping with such a partner can often be a way to absolve
yourself of the guilt or responsibility for the break-up. Even though he doesn't
want to be in a relationship, your ex continues to desire you and you console
yourself by saying, "We're great as friends and lovers, but not so good as
partners."
Syndrome
3: Just For The Sex
Even
though it may seem odd, this is the healthiest form of post-break-up sex... as
long as both partners are on the same page, that is. It's when hormones are
raging and the other person is not only available, but also wants nothing more
than the physical. Allegedly, the risqué element of sleeping with an ex
makes the sex a lot more fun than it ever was. Unfortunately, two people are
rarely on the same page - one partner is usually emotionally involved. Even in
such a scenario, Nagaswami believes that "a clean break is vital - it helps one
come to terms with what's happened, understand why it happened and more
importantly, it encourages healing, else you stay stuck in an uncomfortable
limbo."
Take
The Quiz
In
order to avoid emotional disaster when faced with the question of sex with the
ex, ask yourself:
•
Am
I sleeping with my ex for fear of being alone?
•
Is
either of us doing it in the hope of getting back together again?
•
Will
it cause emotional pain for either party?
•
Will
I be breaking any promises to myself by allowing this person to remain in my
life?
•
Are
my motives purely physical?
•
How
will sleeping with my ex and knowing it is just for a night at a time make me
feel afterwards?
If
the answers to any of these questions gives you cause for concern, refrain from
sleeping with your ex-partner. If you find yourself wanting to go back to the
person despite your better judgement, remind yourself of the reasons why the two
of you broke up in the first place. If you think you are able to limit your
interaction to just sex, talk to your partner and make your intentions clear. If
you don't think you will be able to have sex sans emotional entanglement, think
of how used you will feel once he moves on. Then... get off that kerb and walk
down the road of singledom with your head held high - who knows which brave soul
you may meet along the way!
