Do
you want to look back on this year and say 'another one bites the dust' or will
2005 be the year in which you reinvented yourself? Reshape your future,
starting this January.
Nope,
the idea is not to graft a new you under a surgeon's scalpel or max out your
credit cards with a latest-look wardrobe and snazzy hairdo. The 'New You' we are
talking about is the person you've always wanted to be, but never quite got to.
We know that every New Year brings with it a zillion resolutions - 'this is the
year I'm going to dump that loser boyfriend'; 'this year, I'm going to get that
promotion I've been hankering after'; 'this year, I'm finally going to tick off
my mom-in-law for being a busybody'; 'this year, I'm going to have a figure to
die for'...
The
list is endless, isn't it? And the surprising part is that the inventory in
2004, 2003, 2002...(need we rub it in?) pretty much resembled this one. Nothing
ever changes in your life, and every New Year, the list just comes out again and
you're stuck, stuck, just plain stuck in a rut.
Want
results this year?
Then do something -
anything - different and watch your life get unstuck. After all, it is
unreasonable to expect things to do a volte-face, if you keep doing the same
stuff over and over again. "If you want to make a change in your life, the place
to begin is not with your partner, your job, your family, your wardrobe or your
weight, but with the way you think and feel about yourself," explains Theresa
Cheung, author of the book 'Get Lucky! Make Your Own Opportunities'. Sure, it's
easy to blame your boss for being mean, your lover for being a fool, your mom
in-law for being a nosy Parker, but have you ever stopped to think about what
your part has been in all of this? "Remember, it really doesn't matter what
anybody else did to you or what they taught you in the past. Now is the moment
in which you are creating the future in your life, and guess what, you are in
charge of any changes that you want. And only you can modify the way you think,
act or feel," says Louise L Hay, author of 'The Power Is Within You'.
If
you want to get out of a rut, you need to be crystal clear about what you're
doing to perpetuate it. "Quite often, you'll find that the first action towards
change involves clarifying your thoughts," says Sarah Litvinoff, author of the
book, 'The Confidence Plan'.
We've
identified a few patterns that keep you trapped and worked ways around them.
Believe us, all it requires is a few teeny-weeny changes in your outlook to life
and the results will be dramatic. So, go ahead, break the pattern and gear up to
live the life you've always wanted to, starting on the first day of 2005.
Pull-You-Down
Pattern #1
You
Are Always A Loser In The Game Of Love
Do
your relationships always fizzle out? Have all your lover boys been scoring a
big 'F' on relationship report cards? Are you afraid of committing to a
long-term relationship? Do you seek love in the wrong places? Uh-oh! Are you
nodding affirmative to all of the above? Then, you belong to the
I-can't-find-a-relationship-that-lasts category and have no clue how to ditch
this loser zone.
"Far
too many women behave more like beggars than choosers in the dating game. For
them, dating is a process of hoping-to-be-selected rather than an opportunity to
select," explains Dr Laura Schlessinger in her book '10 Stupid Things Women Do
To Mess Up Their Lives'. It is this kind of attitude that makes women losers in
the game of love. "Also, women have a tendency to make all their intimate
relationships the centre of their universe, something that men typically don't
do." Take the case of Marion D'Souza*, who has been dating her friend's brother.
"I feel I have spent the last six months being a doormat to this man. If he
wants to eat Chinese, we do so; if he wants to see a Hindi movie (which I hate),
we do so. Sometimes, I feel that everything is about him, and all I ever do is
pander to his demands rather than enjoy being in love," says the 29-year-old
sales executive. Her last relationship lasted eight months, the one before just
two months, and this one is nearing its demise.
2005
Makeover Mojo: According to Arpita Anand, a consultant psychologist with the Max
Health Care and Sama Nursing Home, Delhi: "A common mistake women, whose
relationships never go beyond a few months, make is that once in a relationship,
they get into the habit of focusing more on their boyfriend and his needs and
less on theirs. They are so used to fulfiling roles that the socialisation
process has moulded for them that they forget to concentrate on themselves."
If
you are looking to break the pattern of being in loser love relationships, stop
putting yourself and your needs last. Concentrate on yourself. Constantly ask
yourself, "Do I like him?" rather than "Does he like me?" "Also, before you get
into a relationship with anyone, define what you want from a relationship. Is it
security, commitment, financial wellbeing, great sex? Make your own template of
what a relationship should be all about and only then commit," advises Anand.
So
make a promise to yourself this year: Even when you are just going with the flow
of emotions (namely dating a Greek god with deep pockets), you will take a
moment to find out if this hunk fits into your requirements of the man you want
to be with.
Pull-You-Down
Pattern #2
You
Never Succeed At Work
Twenty-five-year-old
assistant director Priyanjali Kakkar is fed up with her job. "When I graduated
in mass communications, I thought I would be making films and documentaries, not
standing behind the camera with a clapper board 24X7 logging shots," she says.
Priyanjali has been an assistant director for the last three years and the only
growth her career has seen in moving on from making coffee to logging shots. She
is raring to go and wants to be a part of shot breakdown discussions and
dialogue sessions, but somehow, she is never included. "Another year of this and
I will quit for sure," she says.
The
bottom line of staying in any career is that the job you do should inspire you.
So if you have a job in accounting, but hate managing money in your day-to-day
life, you definitely need a new career. Before taking drastic steps like
quitting a profession - figure out if not getting what you want at work is a
career pattern or a one-off occurrence. Do you get the feeling that you are
stagnating all the time or is it only in certain situations? If it is the
former, then you need to switch careers but if it is the latter, then this year
you need to change the way you approach your boss, co-workers and issues at
work. Another thing you need to identify before making a move is whether you're
stuck at work because of your own shortcomings like shyness, inability to
communicate, etc. If this is the case, whatever career you choose, you'll never
be able to stride ahead.
2005
Makeover Mojo:
"Being true to yourself
firstly involves identifying what you truly want. This means bypassing thoughts
of what you 'should' want, what other people think is best or what other people
do," say Litvinoff. "As you become comfortable with identifying your true
desires, it becomes easier to assert yourself and tell others what you want."
So, your first step towards a better working life in 2005 is to introspect.
Next, "You have to stand up for your rights if you want your career or job to be
something you enjoy doing. Take charge and don't get bogged down by stereotypes.
Since it is your career, you should get to choose what you do (or don't) want to
do," says Anand. Once you know that you are willing to do what it takes to get
your career to skyrocket, make an Action Plan 2005. "Whatever your goals, an
action plan can help you concentrate your energies," says Cheung. "Outline the
methods you will be using, the steps you will take, the resources you will need
to achieve your goals. Don't forget to give yourself a realistic deadline to
review your progress. The strategy may or may not work, but action planning can
help you see what your purpose is this year."
Pull-You-Down
Pattern #3
You
Can't Stand Up To People
Most
of us have at least one person in our life that we constantly wish away. It
could be a bad news friend, a maddening mother-in-law, a cunning cubicle
partner... They are draining, jealous or undermining. Though you would like
nothing better than getting rid of such a negative influence, sometimes, it is
hard to throw them out of your life for good. You have to put up them and their
bizarre behaviour - like 31-year-old fashion designer Mamta Mathur does. "My
mother-in-law loves her drink. It starts with gin and tonic in the morning, and
moves on to vodka and limejuice in the afternoon, and rum and coke in the
evening. My six-year-old daughter thinks that her granny loves having lemonade
through the day and coke at night and wants to emulate her. I have told her not
to drink in front of my daughter but she pays no heed. Recently, I caught her
giving my daughter, a few sips from her 'lemonade'. I am furious but don't know
what to do to keep this from happening again.
"Certain
'friends or relatives' (otherwise known as energy vampires) are people who have
somehow become attached to your life, whom you probably would not choose to have
anything to do with if you were to meet them afresh in your life," says
Litvinoff. "They are often people who use you and don't give back, abuse your
trust and leave you feeling discontented and drained."
2005
Makeover Mojo:
"The first step towards
dealing with these vampires is to identify them. This New Year, sit down and
make a list of people who are life-enhancing (those who make you feel good about
you) and the energy vampires in your life. Make the former a priority in your
life, because they will help boost your self-confidence," says Litvinoff. Next,
learn to face your difficulties. "To maintain happiness within relationships,
problems must be faced rather than avoided. Don't be agreeable for the sake of
avoiding tension. Instead, learn to raise the subject of disagreement in a
constructive way," advises Cheung. "Let 2005 be the year in which you get
upfront about things, especially stuff that bothers you," adds Anand. "Stand up
for your rights and what you believe in but keep in mind the nature of the
relationship when you are making your stand. The way in which you present your
point of view will matter as much as your beliefs do. You cannot treat an
irritating colleague the same way you would deal with a friend or for that
matter, your mother-in-law." When you are out to confront the offender, start by
stating your complaint in as neutral a manner as possible. Do not accuse the
other person of being insensitive or wicked. Instead, concentrate on your
feelings and what you want. "If direct confrontation is not possible, demarcate
boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour to you and what is not and
communicate it. Remain consistent in your behaviour and do not be swayed away
from your established limits," says Anand. It is crucial that you stay focused
and committed to what you say you like or dislike because commitment to
following through on agreed changes makes all the difference between happy and
unhappy relationships. "Once the other person realises that you are firm and
mean business, they will not break your rules," says Anand. Work these changes
into your life and watch 2005 spin your future into what you've always wanted it
to be.
Change
Blockers
Find
out if you resist change with any of these characteristics:
The
Grouser's Downfall:
Grousers are people
who whine, complain, blame and find fault. They busy themselves blaming others
for causing the disasters in their lives and exonerate themselves. If you think
you fall into this category, crack the code by accepting that YOU are
responsible for what you do.
The
Turtle Trap
Are
you the sort who wants to pull her head into the shell, seeks comfort in the
familiar, trying always to avoid changing situations? The way out: Reflect on
your dreams and aspirations that have remained unaccomplished because of this
fear and you will soon be tempted to try again.
The
Complacency Trap
If
you are in this category, you believe that you are Ms Know-All. You think you
have all the answers and have nothing new to learn. The good news is that you
can change this smothering attitude by forcing yourself to examine and test new
ideas and actions.
Source:
'Change Your Life Now' by Dr William J Knaus
The
Five-Step Change Plan
Set
a direction:
Decide on what change you
want to achieve. Add a mission statement to give deeper meaning to direction.
Make
Plans:
A plan prescribes how you will
organise your efforts. It will outline tools, methods and processes you will use
to arrive at your destination.
Find
Allies:
Often the group decision-making
process can bring about a positive change. Supportive people offer different
perspectives, which you may not have considered.
Seek
Rewards:
A meaningful reward can be a
powerful but subtle incentive for action. Decide on these in
advance.
Measure
Your Progress:
Your measures will help
you remember where you are going, learn how far you can stretch and find a
breakpoint for your challenges.
Source:
'Change Your Life Now' by Dr William J Knaus
Five
Steps Towards Modifying Your Life
Make
sure that you know clearly what it is that you want to change.
Introspect,
speak with people who know you, and think the situation through.
Take
small steps to start with. Making a major alteration in your life without
preparing yourself first can backfire.
Once
you think you are ready, do not wait a moment to go for The Big Thing. Just do
it! Success comes from trying new things and seeing what worked for you and what
did not.
Don't
mope over negative results. Whatever the outcome, tell yourself you did your
best. If you keep beating yourself up every time things don't work out, you will
end up sliding backwards and feeling 'it's not worth the effort'. The outcome of
this will be sure stagnation.
Try
again, and again and again. You will get there only if you don't give
up.
Femina Archives
2006
