On Your Own- Femina - Indiatimes

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 <img src=photo.asp?ID=6958463 width="145" height="101" align="left">Is
single parenthood the end of the world for single mothers? Or could it be a
blessing in disguise? Ethel da Costa attempts an analysis.
Is your home one of those
with jam-smeared walls, toothpaste on the bathroom floors, a pile of dirty clothes
waiting to be washed, and a howling four-year-old who has to be rushed to the
dentist to fix a bad toothache, while you simultaneously have to be present
at the office to make it on time for a client meeting? To compound the confusion
further, your hired help has reported sick, which means you have to buy the
groceries as well. Welcome to the land of single parenthood, where you are treading
on volatile territory, threatening to erupt with the force of suppressed emotions.
 
 
But, theres no reason to reach for the smelling salts, yet, because this
picture may not hold true for every single-parent household created by divorce
or death. There are single mothers and fathers who are coping, chin up, with
the problems of single-income households, and finding ways to cope with their
situation sans support systems. 
BREAKING
UNDER PRESSURE? <img src=photo.asp?ID=6958483 width="64" height="150" align="right"> 
 
While sociologists concur that pressures of competitive careers, personal differences
and unresolved communication breakdowns are pulling the lids off relationships,
they also agree that the single parent phenomenon is no longer raising eyebrows,
unlike earlier. The fallout is for the newly single, who have to live with dents
in their personal incomes and emotional resources.
 Similarly, there are two
versions of the single parenthood phenomenon in India: One glamourised by actress
Sushmita Sen, who adopted a baby whilst still single; and the other that arises
as a consequence of marital circumstances. This second is addressed here. It
is these issues that constitute the larger picture of the new emerging family
in a social context. 
THE
NEW FAMILY 
 
<img src=photo.asp?ID=6958500 width="57" height="150" align="left">The
real scenario is accurately represented by those parents who have suddenly found
themselves alone, having to handle household chores almost single-handedly,
while juggling competitive professions in the face of little or no family support.
Not a rosy picture. 
Not when one is dealing
with confused emotions, heartbreak, the end of coupledom, traumatised children
and simultaneously earning a pay packet. If the fallout occurs as a result of
abuse, then coming to terms with psychological scarring, feelings of inadequacy
and insecurity about the future, can take its toll on one less equipped to deal
with circumstances. 
 
Most often, family counsellors say that the price of separation is shouldered
by children who suddenly find themselves in a compromised situation, a transitory
period, which counsellors advise, can be made less traumatic if handled with
sensitivity and complete honesty. 
SINGLE
SPEAK 
 
Some single parents we spoke to assert that the need of the hour is empathy
and building community support to help single families deal with their new social
status. They suggest one could begin by forging an awareness and acceptance
of the issues that confront single parent-single-income families, and then initiating
support groups to help them live a fulfilled life. 
 
According to Deepti Priya Mehrotra, a political scientist who has done
her doctorate on the Womens Movement in <img src=photo.asp?ID=6958532 width="81" height="160" align="right">
India, the single mother as a category is not recognised in the census data.
During research, she found that more women were separated than divorced, and
yet issues affecting single mothers have not been systematically addressed or
attended to by research or social policy in India. 
 
A single mother for the last eight years, Deepti has a 12-year-old daughter,
and says her own experience has been both painful and wonderful. When her marriage
broke up, it was difficult for Deepti. I began with extreme fear of the
situation. I wasnt sure if I could manage emotionally, financially and
socially. 
Today, Deepti has completely
changed in many ways and emerged stronger. In her words, she has managed to
cope, to reorient her attitude and growth, There were times however, when
everything appeared bleak. Times when landlords would probe into my personal
life before giving me a lease. Deepti lives in Delhi and does creative
arts healing sessions for women in distress. 
She has been lucky to have
developed a great relationship with her daughter, Nandita. I thought she
would carry scars from earlier years when I was unhappy, but thankfully, she
does not. Her school also gave her a lot of emotional support. She is a very
strong and creative person; she is amazing! 
 
Fortunately for Deepti, her financial worries were taken care of when her parents
left her the house she currently lives in. However, Deepti acknowledges her
ex-husbands positive role too. Her daughter, she says, has a strong bond
with her father. As parents, both of us see eye-to-eye on her upbringing.
I bring her up well and I trust that when she goes to him, she gets the best,
as he misses being a full-time father.
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