It's happening all around you - and perhaps to you. When your spouse loses a job, it leads to a whole new way of life. By Shilpi Kakkar-Madan

Remember the roses, the champagne, those moments of poetic hush when both of you dreamt of sharing a rosy future... Then the bliss went amiss as the pink slip floated in. Not the lingerie; the retrenchment. And called upon the emotional heart of your relationship to tide through the trying times.

Over The Cliff
Call it anything - a layoff, retrenchment or getting sacked; etymology does nothing to ease the pain of losing your job. The stigma associated with a retrenchment may have waned in the climate of dotcom burps, but the feeling of sinking self-esteem is still very real, especially for men.

Since the conservative mind set that requires the wife to manage the kitchen and the husband to bring home the salary has undergone but a marginal revision over the years, for women, the experience of surviving on one income often hinges on the gender angle. Grappling with career and family life and striving to strike a healthy balance between both is the classic dilemma of working mothers. And her partner's layoff does nothing to help.

''Suddenly, I was earning all the money, and although I've always been career-oriented and worked because I wanted to, shouldering the responsibility was a tough experience," recalls Sonia, 30, professor. ''I didn't like it at all. I felt uneasy. My husband was crushed. It was very hard for me to come to terms with the reality that he had to start all over again."

The intrusion of the male ego aggravates the delicate issue of finance management on the domestic front. "I was steeped in depression for a couple of months," recalls her husband Manoj, also 30. "I felt completely crushed and helpless, and actually cried. I felt like a loser in front of my wife and kids. And the frustrating months I spent in hunting for another job did nothing to alleviate the pain.

But Sonia was always there for me, whenever I wanted to talk. She gave me my space and time to accept what had happened and hang in there till I decided to pursue another profession.''

The thrust of a role revision is less traumatic for some. It truly depends upon the strength of the ambitious streak that runs through your veins, and the number of years you have invested into your career.

Making It All Work
"In families where two members have been earning, there are increased mutual expectations," says Dr Nand D Katara, Consultant Psychiatrist at Mumbai's Hinduja Hospital. "Partners are unwilling to adjust... The key lies in accepting your loved one with his short-comings and in communicating with each other. And you need to make time for one another."

Two-way communication and mutual understanding go a long way in easing the stress. "My wife was seven months pregnant when I got sacked, so I couldn't share my deepest fear of remaining jobless with her," reveals Keith, 27, marketing executive. "I always tried to keep a cheerful front going, but did break down a few times. Her faith in me saw us through the crisis."

Diluting Dilemmas
Remember that all days are never the same. Some days, the sun shines brightly. On others, it rains too hard. Agreed that we cannot direct the winds, but we can adjust the sails. Attitude makes all the difference. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." You'll get over it, girl!

Cut The Tension, Cut The Bills
The financial pinch is usually the first thing you feel as a couple when a job is lost. ''We aren't preparing for the future and this is a grave concern,'' said Rudy Cavazos, director of corporate and media relations for Money Management International (MMI), one of America's largest non-profit, credit counselling agencies.

''One seemingly small setback is all it takes to send many families spinning out of control,'' he cautions.

If you find yourselves unprepared for a financial crisis, MMI offers these tips to help:
• Establish priorities: Stop spending money on anything but the bare necessities. Consider cutting credit cards up!
• Stop overextending yourself: You will not get out of this problem by attempting to get more credit. If you know that the income interruption is temporary, a small loan to tide you over may work.
• Assess your situation and set up a survival budget: Determine (1) the amount of take-home income you can realistically count on, (2) your set monthly payments such as housing, vehicles, and insurance, and (3) your current expenses such as costs for food, utilities, and petrol. Figure in expenses such as auto registration, insurance, or school tuition.

And of course, discuss all purchases; this will cut down the chances of resentment on both your parts.

American Duty
'Newsweek' poll studied several American couples in which the men have received the pink slip. "The good news," says the report, "at least for the 1.7 million unemployed men who are married, is their wives are better equipped than any generation in history to pick up the financial slack. Women are now earning more college degrees and MBAs than men. In 1983, women made up 34 per cent of high-paying "executive, administrative and managerial" occupations; in 2001 they were nearly half of that category... Many of these women were born and bred for the office; they wouldn't want it any other way."
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