What Do You Think About During Sex?- Femina

<html> <head> <title>Untitled Document</title> <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> </head> <body bgcolor="#FFFFFF"> <img src=photo.asp?ID=5659644 width="135" height="122" align="left">Is your mind always focused on the moment or does it wander to other, more trivial matters? If so, does this mean there is something wrong with your relationship, asks Donna Dawson It's happened to most of us: Youre in the middle of making love and suddenly your mind wanders from thoughts inflamed to thoughts mundane. Youre thinking, Did my pink shirt come back from the laundry? or Did I turn the computer off?or Have I locked the balcony door? while your partner appears for all the world to be lost in lust. THINKING OF... YOU? What does it all mean? Does it mean youve gone off sex? The fact that you can even think of trivial things during sex supposedly our most intimate time can be a trifle worrying... HOW TO BROACH THE SUBJECT To find out whats at the heart of the distance between you and your partner, therapists suggest these steps: <ol> <li>Look outside the relationship for any pressures or take a close look at what you feel for your partner. Ask yourself what it is about his behaviour that could be making you feel hurt or rejected. Does he meet your needs (not just your sexual ones)? </li> <li>Have a long talk with your partner when youre not clock-watching. Use I statements. I wish our foreplay went on longer instead of Dont finish foreplay so soon. </li> <li>Be very clear about how you feel. Unless you tell your lover whats bothering you, he cant help. </li> <li>Really listen to his point of view. Perhaps you havent been meeting his needs either and resentment has been building on his side, making him a less-than thoughtful lover. </li> <li>Says McCluskey. Set yourself a goal of working it out over weeks or months, rather than years. If your attempts fail, its time to consider a relationship counsellor.</li> </ol> FIRE LIGHTERS TO REKINDLE OFF-DAYS <img src=photo.asp?ID=5659666 width="125" height="169" align="right"> If your relationship is basically sound but you have occasional distracting thoughts, try these mental and physical techniques to help get you back on track. <ul> <li> Focus on the positive. To get off automatic pilot, concentrate on his best features (broad shoulders, pert bum), or the qualities that first attracted you to each other. Remember the best time you had great sex (or just a great time together), and let that warm glow take over. </li> <li>Fantasies arent forbidden. If you are not quite in the mood for some reason, try using a sexual fantasy to help you along. </li> <li>Change sexual gear. If you take a more active role, it will concentrate your mind. Think about what hes doing to you the brush of his fingers on your back, his warm thigh against yours and revel in the sensation. Talk intimately, or get him to. Look deep into his eyes, reminding yourself that this is the man you have chosen to be intimate with. </li> <li>Talk to him. If you need to discuss a sex problem with your partner, be brave. But keep things in perspective. People neednt feel that they are failures if sex isnt 100 per cent every time, says Mirkin. If its not perfect, forget it and try again next time dont get neurotic about it! </li> <li>Know your feelings. Avoid having sex when you are angry. If you start losing interest, be honest with your partner. Change gear by having a chat, a cup of tea or a bath together, says Brown. A good lover will respond to the problem in context.</li> </ul> </body> </html>