“I earn more than my husband but my in-laws, friends and even my parents, don’t know about it. I haven’t told them.”
“He earns less but is not a loser.”
“Yes, I earn more but don’t flaunt it.”
“I make more but I wish he did.”
“But I never throw this at him, regardless of how nasty the fight is.”
“It’s hardly an issue. We’re one unit and that’s the most important thing.”

These are some reactions from women who earn more than their husbands. What is it about wives earning more that instantly puts them on guard, makes men look weak, women apologetic and causes heads to turn faster than on a tennis court? How do social double standards operate?

Are there too many mental adjustments to be made by him or is it a battle she fights with herself? Does she really have to play down her personality to accommodate his ego? And what about the equation at home — do home dynamics really change? What happens in the bedroom...?

A quick glance at the matrimonials reveals that working women are the preferred choice. So, while clearly her income is required to supplement the man’s, her grossing more seems to upset the apple cart. It’s a whole new situation for the man to deal with. It’s a challenge for the woman as well.

Traditionally, men have been comfortable with their wives’ success at playing musical instruments, being a good cook or keeping a good house. With better education available to everyone and corporate glass ceilings cracking all over the world, women are opting for more lucrative and demanding careers. They are bound to earn well and better. And many times, better than their husbands. This trend is here to stay.

Our research revealed that while most couples themselves were not too uncomfortable with this salary equation — the husbands supported and encouraged their wives — they were uncomfortable with societal perceptions and therefore most requested anonymity.

Savita Date Menon, psychologist, Apollo Hospitals, Hyderabad, explains the new challenges modern marriages face: “A woman’s success was never the cornerstone of a man’s world. Her successful career is a new thing that he has to contend with. He feels like a fish out of water and it will take a while before he adjusts. While she need not hold back her career, she most certainly has to be sensitive. I’d like to add here, that while most men are uneasy with this role reversal, a few of them are happy with their wives’ success. These are confident men, sure of their achievements and her success does not unsettle them.”

“It is not thought to be good for the stability of a marriage if a woman earns more than her husband. I suppose, the concern is that this might give her an upper hand as the ‘breadwinner’; and also, more implicitly, undermine the man’s masculinity (defined as earning power),” says Patricia Uberoi, professor, Social Change and Development, Institute of Economic Growth, New Delhi.

Does She Have To Keep A Low Profile?
Brinda Gupta, an IT management professional from Bangalore, feels that a woman earning more than her husband “has to tip-toe her way around many situations”. While men can talk endlessly about their colleagues or office, a woman who discusses her work in a family gathering is scorned as a show-off. Kamna Chimnani, a consultant from Delhi, does not keep a low profile, but does not tom-tom her salary to the whole world either.

People don’t talk about this ‘asymmetry’ openly, but when they do, there is an overt effort made to justify the husband’s lower income. Most women feel they needn’t flaunt their higher incomes and some are rather bashful of this new social equation.

Dr Sanjay Chugh, honorary consultant psychiatrist, Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, New Delhi, says, “A Chinese proverb says that if a wife is more capable than her husband, their marriage will not last long. The quality of the marriage will be affected to varying degrees. How they react to the situation depends on their personalities. Often enough, the husband doesn’t feel like an equal partner. He is raised to think that the man should bring home a larger share of the bacon. He might be miserable if he isn’t doing so.”

Sociologist Promilla Kapur’s study, ‘Marital Adjustments in India’ finds that wives earning more than their husbands is not conducive to a smooth marital relationship.
Societal Reactions And Perceptions