Asa Hardon has first-hand experience, of course!

The Beach
The earth may move but it is more likely that you will find that the sand has moved as well, and it has moved into some very intimate places. Yes, they did it on the beach in ‘From Here To Eternity’, but they were being paid starry salaries. You will simply end up with an abraded back, which may be painful for days afterwards.

If you do think that the alliteration ‘sand, surf, sea’, must be followed by sex, take a beach towel along, a very big beach towel, maybe several beach towels. No, a shamiana of beach towels.

The Lift
The ads are wrong. The television serials are wrong. Those wild films starring Sharon Stone are wrong. Lifts do not have enough traction. You might break your heels, he might break his back and you might both crack your skulls open. Besides which that Stop button has an Override device hidden in basements and most elevators have cameras in them. So, no, don’t, not in the lift.

The Back Seat Of A Car
Not even because you want to regain your youth. Not even with the same man at the same spot at the same time... not even for an anniversary. Too juvenile, my dear, and if he’s fobbing you off with getting his rocks off for an anniversary when he should be giving you some rocks, you’re off your rocker.

The Bathroom
The porn vids always have a bathroom scene. This is because porn vids are made for men who are turned on by bathrooms. Why are men turned on by bathrooms? Because their first intimate experiences happen in bathrooms with a woman they refer to (so charmingly) as Auntie Five-Fingers.

Bathrooms are cold places with awkward protuberances and they are also very slippery. Only good if you’re into water games and golden showers and then only if you have a bathtub.

The Swimming Pool
This takes an undue amount of athleticism, breath control and concentration. Sex shouldn’t be about a combination of aerobics and chess. The pool is a great place to start, all wet, slippery and sensuous, but when you graduate past the face work, head for the bedroom.