Psychotherapist and relationships consultant Dr Vijay Nagaswami has advice on how to have a relationship with your husband’s mother

I once asked a woman whether she had cut her emotional umbilical cord. No, I was not being rude, I was merely responding to the fact that, at a social gathering, she was loudly mixing her metaphors and insisting that all Indian husbands were still tied by “their umbilical cords to their mothers’ apron strings”. She was astonished that I, a couples therapist, could even think to ask such an extraordinary question.

I stood my ground and was immediately the focus of some mild hostility from all the women gathered and the object of mild curiosity of the men in the assembly. Her firmly-held and stridently-articulated opinion was that all Indian women cut their umbilical cords the day they get married and move to their husbands’ homes; that the very act of agreeing to ‘serve’ their in-laws and ‘reject’ their own parents is evidence enough of this; and if I was obdurate enough to need more convincing, how do I explain the fact that Indian men would rather commit suicide or homicide than live with their in-laws?

While I couldn’t follow her line of reasoning entirely, one thought stood out: When the woman leaves her parental home, she severs her emotional umbilical cord once and for all. This thought has been expressed to me by several women who always look nonplussed when I suggest they might need to look at their own umbilical cords, for they truly believe they have left their umbilical cords far behind. However, this is not always true.

How many women do you know who think of their mothers-in-law as termagants, while at the same time considering their own mothers paragons and not being able to understand why their brothers’ wives complain? I know several. Moving away from the parental home is not tantamount to cutting one’s umbilical cord; for it is the influence your parents have on you, whether through their presence or absence, that determines whether the cord has been cut. Which is why we need to debunk the theory floating around that the ‘saas-bahu’ problem is of the ‘beta/pati’s making.

As I had discussed in my earlier piece, there are usually three reasons for the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law turning out to be as difficult as it often does and, strangely, none has to do with the ‘saas-bahu’ relationship itself. They were unresolved issues in the mother-son relationship, unresolved issues in the husband-wife relationship and unresolved issues in the mother-daughter relationship. And the emotions that get generated and churned up inevitably seem to coalesce around the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law equation, simply because this is configured in an adversarial mode.

So, how do we deal with this situation, then? Obviously, the best thing to do would be for the man to work on his relationship with his mother, for the couple to work on their marriage, and for the woman to work on her relationship with her own mother, for then, we would relieve the pressure on the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship a bit. However, even as you wait for your husband to do his bit or indeed, put pressure on him to do so, you might find the following tips useful:

If You Are A New ‘Bahu’
* Don’t feel compelled to love your mother-in-law: Shortly after the wedding, when the whole family seems to be surrounded by a bit of a glow, there is the tendency for a few speeches to be made by everybody in the family. It’s possible you may be subject to the “I have not lost a son, but gained a daughter” spiel. Don’t take this literally. For you might then be tempted to expect your mother-in-law to treat you like a daughter. If things work out well, this might actually happen, but don’t expect it to and feel disappointed when it doesn’t. By the same token, you don’t have to love her like you do your mother.

* Don’t try and reach your husband through your mother-in-law: Many a young ‘bahu’ has tried to earn brownie points with her husband by being dutiful and loving to the latter’s mother. This is extremely hard to sustain. It’s important that your mother-in-law feels that whatever you do for her, you do because you want to, and not because you feel that the best way to your husband’s heart is through his mother.

* Respect her needs and insecurities: As we have discussed, your mother-in-law is going to feel just a tad threatened by your presence, however easy-going you may be. This has nothing to do with you, but more to do with her son’s relationship with her. Don’t take it personally if she tends to throw rank every now and again. She’s really sending out a signal to your husband. Try and get your husband to respond to her signal.

* Learn to define your boundaries without causing offence: However, if you find that your mother-in-law tends to overuse you as her route of communication with her son, you do need to define your boundaries with her. You can do this without causing offence to her by gently, though firmly, getting the message across to her, as to how far she can go with you. You have done this with your friends, maybe with your parents and maybe even with your husband. Now’s the time to do the same with your mother-in-law as well. If you approach this task with understanding and the genuine desire to retain a relationship with her, you’ll find that she’s able to pick up the sincerity of your effort and will respond accordingly.

* Talk to your husband about his mother without getting all judgemental: Even as you attempt to define your boundaries with your mother-in-law, you need your husband’s support in this effort. You therefore, need to learn to share your thoughts and feelings about her with your husband without putting him on the defensive. Remember he’s seen all the soap operas as well and will tend to get all edgy and protective of his mother if you put him on the back foot. On the other hand, if you get the message across to him that you do intend to have a relationship with his mother even if it kills you, you’ll find he becomes your ally. Needless to say, try not to get killed in the process.

* Take the relationship in stages: Like all other relationships, this relationship too, needs time to be nurtured and developed. However many women, with the best of intentions, try the all-or-none approach and find they have fallen flat on their faces. Aim first for a civil relationship and then for a working relationship. The loving relationship will follow.

* Don’t bend over backwards and regret it later: Many fights begin with “I’ve bent over backwards to please her and she doesn’t appreciate it.” Why should she? She didn’t ask you to bend over backwards, did she? You did this of your own volition. So, there’s no point feeling resentful that you did so. The better thing to do, would be to determine precisely how much you can accommodate her and extend yourself only as much as you are capable of.

If You Are A Veteran ‘Bahu’
Apart from what has been described earlier, you also need to be aware of these:
* Don’t displace emotions on her from your relationship with your mother: Often, we have unfulfilled expectations of our own parents, which we may find difficult to discuss with them. However, displacing these expectations on your mother-in-law is not fair on the latter.

Typically, many women end up getting married to get away from an oppressive atmosphere at home. In this case, they expect that the ambience in their new home will compensate for whatever they have missed earlier. And since your mother-in-law is the centre of the new home, most expectations fall on her shoulders.

These, just as expecting your mother-in-law to be the mother you never had, are unrealistic expectations. She has her limitations and can only function within them. You know that you are displacing expectations when you find that many of the things that madden you about your mother-in-law are the same things that upset you about your mother.

* Don’t displace emotions on her from your relationship with your husband: Just like men tend to blame most of their wives’ irrationalities on PMS, women tend to blame their husband’s insensitivities on their mothers-in-law, believing the latter were over-indulgent of their sons’ foibles. While there could be a grain of truth to these feelings, PMS and mothers-in-law have had to shoulder more than their fair share of blame in contemporary life. Let your husband be responsible for his quirks.

* Focus on building a good communicating relationship with your husband: In the final analysis, the best way of ensuring that you have a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law is by building a good, communicating relationship with your husband. For if the relationship gets stuck in the “Me and My Family V/s You and Your Family” trap, your relationship with everybody — your husband, your parents-in-law and even your own parents — is going to stay firmly in the adversarial mode and that marital bliss that you were promised and rightly aspire for, is going to remain one more unfulfilled expectation. If you focus on cutting your own umbilical cord, you’ll find, much to your surprise that, your husband is doing pretty much the same thing, even if a bit sheepishly.

Many women, with the best of intentions, try the all-or-none approach with their mothers-in-law and find they have fallen flat on their faces. Aim first for a civil relationship and then for a working relationship. The loving relationship will follow

GOT COMMENTS OR QUESTIONS? E-MAIL US AT femina@timesgroup.com WITH ‘all in the family — The Other Woman In His Life’ IN THE SUBJECT LINE