By Simmi Dhanda Sakhuja

What does it mean to be a lesbian in India? Simmi Dhanda Sakhuja explores the world of female relationships.
She is eight years old. In a rush of affection, she hugs and perhaps kisses her friend. She doesn’t know what it’s all about. It makes her feel good and she continues to do it. She has her first crush when she is 12 years old.
As she matures into a full woman, her stimulation increases and her attraction continues - only for women. She realises it and keeps it within. No one around her feels the way she does or recognises it. Then begins the trauma, of confusion and isolation. Her friends talk of boys and she tries hard to relate. Somewhere she picks up the word ‘lesbian’. Now she knows how she could be categorised and looked upon as ‘queer’.
She gets in touch with others like herself and they all keep it their secret. A closeted life begins. Time goes by till she comes to terms with her sexuality and identifies herself as a ‘lesbian’. Or maybe not.
THE SOCIAL LINE Why? Because there are parameters that indicate, ‘Hey, you are abnormal’ and so many social constraints to fight against. There is always a label floating around for all those who don’t conform to the one choice that society permits - heterosexual relations. It corners her.
What is this woman-to-woman relationship about? “It’s as simple as any other relationship of love between two people,” says *Rekha in Delhi. “The only difference is that here two women are involved. They share their emotions, feelings, the highs and lows of their lives, and of course, sex is a part of it,” she explains.
THE FIRST STIRRINGS How does it begin? Is this attraction inborn? “Well, it’s really varied. You can’t generalise across all age groups. There are women who feel that they have always been like this. There are still others who have discovered their attraction for women, in their 40s,” says Ruth, the co-coordinator of Sangini, a helpline and support network for lesbian / bisexual / transgender women in Delhi.
Talking about herself, she says, “I was heterosexual until the age of 20 or 21. Then I realised that it wasn’t what I was looking for. I didn’t find it sexually satisfying, emotionally fulfilling and spiritually correct to be with a man.”
Describing lesbian relationships, she says, “They are not only about sex. There are other factors that come first and then lead to sex, like in any other heterosexual relationship — eg the movie Fire . The movie depicts how, in a joint family, it is easy for women to form close relationships. Then the relationship also becomes a sexual one because of various factors.”
Ruth busts the myth that women turn to lesbianism when they are either dissatisfied in their marriages or have been sexually abused at some point in their lives by men. In her view, “Then in India, we should have an extremely large population of lesbians, because the rate of sexual abuse by husbands and men is very high.”
But in some cases, it is true. Lisa in Mumbai said that she turned lesbian because she was completely put off by men. She had been repeatedly sexually abused by a man in her childhood and later raped by another. Certain incidents in life could also trigger a lesbian relation. “It’s also how vulnerable you are at that moment and who you turn to,” she confides.
NATURAL VS UNNATURAL “People have called it unnatural,” says Ananiya, a member of Stree Sangam, a helpline and support network for gay and bisexual women in Mumbai. “It feels so right for me, so why should it bother someone else?” Geeta Kumana, recalling her childhood, said, “In my personal belief, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Society said so, but I did what came naturally to me.”
To still others, it’s a misconception that a lesbian wants every woman that passes her way.
Anika in Delhi laughingly questions, “If you are a straight woman, do you get attracted to every man that you meet? This is complete madness. Women talk like this because they have their own unidentified fears.” With references to homosexuality being amoral, the girls question back: “What morality is heterosexual society talking about? Look at the number of extra-marital affairs. Aren’t two people here exercising their sexual preferences? Is that permissive?”
The Lack Of Understanding