By Christina Viegas

Whether children will grow up to be lifelong optimists or pessimists, whether warmly loving or cold, trusting or suspicious, will depend to a considerable extent on the attitudes of the individuals who have taken responsibility for a major portion of their care in their first two years. Therefore, the personalities of parents and caregivers are of great importance.

Children Need Love
“Children need friendly, accepting parents,” says Dr Tosha, Managing Director of Dr Tosha’s Clinic, Goa. “It’s the parents’ (or caregivers’) love that creates an answering love in children. It’s this love for parents that children will draw from to form positive relationships — with friends, teachers, spouses, offspring, neighbours and colleagues. Children gain trust in themselves from being respected as human beings by their parents. This self-assurance helps them to be comfort-able with themselves and others through life.”

Children Need Continuity
Child psychologists caution that a very parti-cular need of young children is continuity in their caregivers. From when they are just few months old, they come to love, count on and get security from the primary caregivers, usually the parents.

Even at six months, babies will become seriously depressed, losing their smile, their appetite, their interest in things and people, if the parent who has cared for them disappears. So it’s important that the parent or other caregiver not give up their role abruptly during the first two or three years, or at least give it up only after a substitute has very gradually taken over.

Children Need Stability
When children live with both their parents (and when the parents love and respect each other), they will know both sexes realistically as well as idealistically, and will have a pattern of marital stability to guide them when they are adults. The two parents will be able to support each other emotionally. They will be able to balance or counteract each other’s unjustified worries and obsessions about the children.

Children Need Role Models
By the age of three years, a boy begins to watch his father with acute interest; his manner, interests, speech, pleasures, his attitude towards work, his relationship with his wife and children, how he gets along with and copes with other men — these are all aspects carefully observed by the wonder-struck child.

A girl’s need of a father is not as overt, but is equally strong underneath. She gets her ideas about what males are supposed to be primarily from her father. The kind of man she eventually falls in love with and marries will probably reflect the personality and attitudes of her father in one way or another.

An admiring daughter will copy her mother’s personality in many respects. How a woman feels about being a woman, a wife, a mother and a worker will make a strong impress-ion on her daughter. For a son, his mother is his first great love. In obvious or subtle ways, this will set his romantic ideal. It will influence not only his eventual choice of a wife but also how he gets along with her.

Children Need Discipline
Talking of disciplinary measures, Dr Tosha advises, “The choice of strict or casual disciplinary measures looms large over many parents, though a majority of them find their own balance. It is fair for parents to stick to their convictions. Moderate strictness is not harmful to children as long as parents are basically kind and the children are growing up happy and friendly. But strictness is harmful when parents are overbearing, harsh and disapproving all the time.”

The tendency to over-compensate: Working parents may find that because they are starved for their children’s company (and perhaps feel guilty about seeing them so little), they are inclined to shower them with presents and treats, bow to all their wishes regardless of their own, and generally let them get away with almost anything.

Such children could get greedier when they find that their parents are appeasers. The parents should learn to not overdo it and to consider their own needs and constraints. They should act like self-confident all-day parents. The children will not only turn out better, but will enjoy their company more.

The question of returning to work: This is another important question that gnaws at most parents. Though parents can return to outside jobs at any stage after the baby’s birth, the later the better.

For parents who strictly cannot delay, a good time is between three to six months. This gives the baby time to settle into regular feeding and sleeping routines, and to get used to the rhythm of her family. This will also give the mother the required time to adjust to physiological and psychological changes, and to arrange for a caregiver. The best thing, of course, would be for parents to share child care between themselves till the child is of three years.

Choosing other caregivers: Almost all psychologists unanimously agree that grandparents make excellent caregivers, though most parents arrange to keep their little ones in day care centres, perhaps for reasons of access or to avoid putting pressure on ageing parents.

The most important questions for caregivers and parents are whether they can be honest with themselves, listen to each other’s ideas and criticisms, keep the lines of communication open, respect each other and co-operate for the benefit of the child.

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